read my thoughts...

Winter Japan 2012.

2012-01-27T21:59:00.003+08:00

Tokyo, Japan. 24 jan - 1 Feb 2012. Winter.

Fibi & Lenus. Delta airlines. Flexstay hotel, ikebukuro, Tokyo.

25 jan, night, saw the sky snowing for the first time in my life. Have seen snow on the ground a few times, but tis the first time, saw them slowly floating down. Undescribable, the beauty, the sense of awe... Oh so pretty... Against the black nite sky... Unbelievably romantic.

Today, 27 jan, missed the early morning bus to mount fuji. I tot, maybe it's fated, I'm never gonna see mount fuji. In the end, we persevered, we rushed down to another bus terminal to intercept the bus, in the end, we managed to join the tour. Awesomely exciting, scary, but funny. Was really really glad tat we went ahead for the tour. The view of fuji was breathtaking! And the view at hakone was superb too. And for the second time, saw snow, tis time, in the day, and the snow was heavier. And even prettier. Light crystal flakes softly falling on us, slowly covering us. It was sooooo cold, but I didn't mind one bit. Coz I know I'll never experience the same scene, same feeling ever again. The beauty and sweetness of it all... 陶醉...

Another item checked off my bucket list.

Wat more can I ask for? Happy and blessed is fibi.

2012-01-09T03:30:00.000+08:00

做什么都不对。

2012-01-05T14:27:00.001+08:00

新的一年新的开始
从新开始从心出发

加油！！！

2012-01-04T18:17:00.002+08:00

我的头好痛

我只想要平静一下。慢慢的渡完我的下半辈子。我不再渴求任何人或事。

我什么都不要。都不要了！可以吗？？？为什么我连要想什么，都没有自由了呢？

对了，没有未来的人。。。是没有资格要求自由的。。。

merry xmas to u, and me.

2011-12-24T17:55:00.002+08:00

a blink, a year has past.

a blink... another December is about to end soon.

for the whole of 2011, I've been dreading the arrival of December. dreading my birthday. dreading xmas. the cold, the loneliness, the pain of decembers from the past 2 years has formed an unknown phobia of Decembers. which had used to be my favorite month all my life.

I was prepared to hide at home tis dec during my bday and xmas. as my bday approaches, the more depressed I got. maybe noone would understand y. me too can't explained. maybe I'm fearful of revisiting pain. and unexpectectedly... it turned out to be my best bday, ever. all thanks to my bunch of darling frens. I'm happy beyond words. blessed is fibi, with a group of ppl who loves her. I feel unworthy of tis love. and my gratitude is indescribable.

I'm not tech savvy, but I still love the ipad2 sooo much, not becoz of the price, it's becoz there were so much tots put into it, I really love the pics and words entered into it. I love the surprise at the pan pac room, not coz of the price, coz it's filled with all the ppl I love. I love the yummy cake, not becoz of the price, it's coz I love the beautiful bday song they sang.

it's Xmas eve today. I'm on my way to meet the girls. I'm really happy and blessed to spend today with them. I wish, we'll celebrate many many more happy occasions. I wish, Shimin will enjoy her bday celebration we have for her tonite. I wish happiness for all my girls. happy birthday Shimin. :)

Merry Christmas everyone. ^_^

2011 的生日

2011-12-17T17:49:00.000+08:00

我太幸福了，有罪恶感。感觉不真实。好像随时就要失去。

我有很爱很爱我的家人和朋友。我也很爱你们。

2011-11-23T04:20:00.000+08:00

人，跟本不需要别人的关心或照顾，因为，饿了，自然会找东西吃，累了，自然会睡着。人，什么时候越来越脆弱，越来越依赖身边的别人?

病了 :'(

2011-11-13T02:29:00.002+08:00

总是在病倒的时候感到更寂寞。总觉得自己很可怜。病死了也没人知道。怎么会那么悲惨，没人来怜惜。
haiz.... 长大了，该自己照顾自己了。不能再整天要人宠，要人疼了。我要独立，我要自立！

吃药！盖被！睡觉！起床！努力工作！gambatte!!!

可是。。。我没那么坚强。。。我好累，好难受，好辛苦。鼻子不听话，脑袋好重，喉咙痛死了。

I just wanna be a whining 小女人!!! 有那么难吗???

不要再提起了，好吗？

2011-11-03T23:59:00.003+08:00

放弃，并不是懦弱
放手，并不是不爱了

只是，
我不得不放开我紧紧握着的手，
才能捡起我碎了一地的心

为什么大家都认为放手的人就不痛?

exhausted

2011-10-31T04:49:00.002+08:00

super tired.

super sleepy.

super exhausted.

4.50am. and I can't sleep yet! coz my hair is still wet after my shower!!!! T_T

it's been a long day at work. due to many chalLERnging scenes, I'm totally worn out now. and yesterday's work wasn't easy too. and I didn't sleep well last nite too. tis all adds up to the black diary on my eyes, whom has diligently been detailing all my late nites... on my face. Argh!

guess today is the new record, 2am. and we tot the previous one at 1am topped the charts. we were so wrong.

but I learned a lot at today's shoot. hope to learn more!

yawn.... yawn.. zzZz... yawnzzz... ouch.. my leg... ouch... my thighs.. my back... my arms... ouch... my body.... ouch ouch ouch...

#%^*!$&@\!

2011-10-01T04:02:00.002+08:00

Fibi do not react well to consideration-handicapped ppl.

especially at 4 in the morning!!!

knn!!!

knnbccb!!! breathe in! breathe out! breathe in! breathe out!!!

okok. nvm. Fibi tahan. Fibi 忍!!! it's just another year more. u can do it. endure the bitterness now, the sweetness is coming soon. I must endure!!!! dad always says, life is fair, be nice, and karma will do the rest.

I believe him.

我为人人, 人人为我.

dun fall sick now...

2011-09-28T01:31:00.002+08:00

yes, I know the haze is bad. causes sorethroats and coughs. and it makes ur sinus worsen.

ya, the crazy weather, blowing hot and cold, makes getting 感冒 so easy.

okok, the sorethroat is making u very uncomfortable, and gives u fever now and den.

of coz I know the braces is driving u crazy. and the swollen infected gums also adds on to ur fever.

but fibi..... u can't fall sick now!!!

要加油! 要努力! 努力工作! 老爸老妈靠你了! 你的未来也要靠自己了!

so pls.... be stronger. u've got no one to help u. just urself. if u dun buck up, mum and dad r gonna be so disappointed...

be strong. u can do it! gambatte!!!

in retort to my previous post

2011-09-22T14:02:00.002+08:00

more excitement and fun, i asked for.

and i got it in tis past 3 days! hahaha...

i'm currently involved in tis project, called In Cold Blood, a docu-drama series. gonna have 12 episodes, to be aired on ch 5 soon. just wrapped with the 1st ep! my 1st ep! my 1st filming project! hehehe... was supposed to be involved only from ep 4 onwards, but decided to be there on the 1st ep to learn more before starting. wat an experience! i was supposed to be just helping out a bit, and most of all, to learn and observe. but didnt expect tat suddenly, i was the assistant director. in tis project, the director would have 2 ADs, called 1st AD and 2nd AD.

so thankful to have a bunch of great crews on the 1st ep. they were all very nice and taught me a lot of stuff tat i've never known about. and the director was very patient with me, and was willing to teach me those basic stuff. whenever he was slightly free, he would explain in details wat he was doing. which clears a lot of my doubts. all the production crew were so kind to me, esp when they heard it was my 1st project. coz i heard tat some crews like to bully newbies. fibi is blessed! ^_^

but i'm now worried for my upcoming eps... coz all the crews would be different!!! sad... and i'm now more or less used to the working style with the crews now. if the next director were to change working styles, i might be confused again...

anyway, tis is a drama series tat re-enacts real crime stories tat happen in singapore, about how and y crimes happened, which leads to cold-blooded murders. the contents kinda heavy. at the very 1st ep, already deals with the murder of a 4 yr old girl. i wonder if by the end of the series, would i get depression. hahaha... coz i have to dwell into the sick minds of those murderers in the scripts.

plus, those talents that we got, esp the small little girl, Euclase, she is soooooooo cute! and sooooooo sweet!!! tat when i saw her being grabbed around by the "murderer", den subsequently had to be "thrown downstairs", my heart so pain!!! she's the sweetest girl i've ever seen. she would share watever tidbits she have, and hug everyone on set before she leaves. she even drew pictures for everyone. and she is so clever, she would understand wat the director is instructing her. omg, i'm overloaded with her sweetness.

hope every talent is as easy to handle as those in ep 1. *prays*

i'm so excited. wonder wats in ep 4. cant wait to see the script. luckily i'm not in ep 2 and 3. coz i read the scripts and been to the castings, its kinda scary.... haaa... tis few days, thou exhausting, it was really fulfilling, when everything is finally done. ^_^

beautiful stranger

2011-09-18T03:57:00.002+08:00

hmm... talking about things looking more beautiful when I dun have my glasses on. meaning, things seems more pretty when it's not clear.

maybe I should go find a total stranger to love. how romantic! hahaha.

hellooo stranger! here I come!!!

haiz... if only I have the time to go socializing. seems like I haven't added new frens to my social circle recently. boring!!!! Fibi wants more excitement and fun! life is too dull!!!! Bleah!!!

6.40am

2011-09-15T06:33:00.003+08:00

yup, its now 6.40am.

nope. i did not wake up early. i have yet to fall asleep. not tat i went out partying. come to think of it, i went to bed at 12 plus. did my usual routine of surfing the net for mysteries, checked my emails, stalked facebook a bit, read the news. den tried to sleep. nope, sleep did not happen. watched 2 eps of korean drama. still no sleep.

walked to the balcony window, listening to the soft drizzle outside, i took a swig from my pack of.... milk la (u tot beer rite? hehe) looking out, the rain has made everything seem soft and glistening. without my glasses on, i can't see too clearly, but its kinda beautiful tis way. everything's sparkling, and every passing car is just a shadow with twinkling lights. i felt the scene is kinda poetic. haiz... i'm such a hopeless romantic. haaa...

darn, my neighbourhood roads sure is kinda busy at tis timing! from the amount of passing "twinkles", oh my, am i glad i'm no longer part of the gotta-get-up-early-for-work group?! hallelujah to tat!! (starts reminiscing the times i had to wake up at 5plus to travel to changi for work... shudders..)

*looks out window* dammit. just great. the sky is brightening up. wat the -_-

i shall try to sleep again. if i fail again... u'll see me at macdonalds! or maybe a morning swim.

but... it might be cold in the morning...
its raining!
i might catch a cold...
i can't exercise on an empty stomach!
its dangerous for a lady to go swimming alone!
someone might steal my stuff when i'm swimming!
i might get a sunburnt!
and... its really cold in the morning! and raining! and... and...

nah... its not gonna happen... haaa

good morning! and maybe goodnite! >_^

2011-09-06T01:04:00.001+08:00

有时真的觉得累得再也走不下去了...

2011-09-02T20:08:00.002+08:00

its been a roller coaster week. good.. and bad.

august's been a mad rush month. just came back from samui with the girls, and not more den 2 weeks, off i went to bangkok. mad rush again there, to get all the materials i want within 4 days. but it was not meant to be. many of the stuff i wanted, they didnt have it. i the end, i stayed there for nearly a week. coz there r just so many places to go! and plus the midnite market tat only opens at 3am, exhausted me. and how can i not meet up with pasu and nan?! they brought me to a lot of great shopping places, and also great food. where would i be without them... lost in thailand...

once i came back to singapore, it was busy unpacking 2 huge luggage. packing all my stuff to get ready for categorizing. and before i knew it, pasu and nan(and jaggi and amie!) r here in s'pore for the travel fair. and there goes my time, helping out at the fair and bringing them for big meals. was supposed to be a fun filled and busy weekend. until i got the dreaded call.

joanna called to say mr ong had passed away. i was so shocked. those drama were not exaggerating, i really stood there stunned and everything went silent. after hanging up the phone, i still stood there, continue to pass out brochures. den suddenly i couldnt take it anymore. i went to the toilet to cry. and the rest of the day was a daze.

i couldnt accept his death. he was like another father to me. he would nag at me, show concern to me, buy me food, laugh at my jokes, make me angry, and den we laugh over it at lunch. how could i accept tat he is gone??? at his wake, i couldnt stop crying, i keep having flashbacks. and when i saw his body in the coffin, i really couldnt take it. i keep teeling myself, tat doesnt look like him! its a mistake! tat must be someone else! i keep waiting for someone to say they made a mistake. but it didnt happen...

i went home and stil kept crying... i was so sad. i couldnt sleep for tat 2 days. i just kept apologizing and feeling sorry. coz i really really really had meant to call him. i heard he was sick, and i really wanted to ask how was he. i really wanted to show him my concern, just like he did whenever i got sick at work. but i didnt. just becoz i fucking forgot. i'm a fucking idiot. plain idiot. now wat? i'm never gonna get a 2nd chance ever again. just great. fuck me.

and so all these tots keep rounding my mind. and i just kept crying. i din even know i fell asleep. and i dreamt. i had the most funniest dream i ever had. and all my gal pals were in my dream. all of them took turn to do something really bimbotic, and i laughed so much in my dream tat i was lying on the ground struggling. and den i woke up, stil laughing.

i woke up, puzzled. before i fell asleep, i was crying, and i was filled with miserable tots, y would i have a funny dream??? the first tot tat came to me was... thanks mr ong, i know u r comforting me and wanted me to feel better. thanks, i really felt much better. just like u always tried to cheer me up when u see me feeling blue. i really felt my tots suddenly cleared up. its like the dream was symbolic. and i suddenly could accept ur departure. u were telling me, u r much happier now. thank u so much. and i'm stil sorry.

another tot came to me. my 4 girls, they also cared for me a lot. to laugh with them in tat dream, gave a really really warm comfort to me. in the dream itself, thou laughing hysterically at all the stupidity, i could feel happiness. i was truly laughing. i'm happy. to have them. i'm thankful to them for cheering me up. even if its just a dream. they helped me go thru tis difficult week.

i also found out, when feeling down, cooking and doing housework is seriously therapeutic. while cooking and working, i was almost in a trance. and after sweating it out, i felt so much better. which is y, i am thankful to my house too. thankful tat it housed me for tis few years. i just did a very deep cleaning to the house, i can feel it gleaming proudly now. ^_^ i'm happy too. i feel tat working is so much easier den doing housework!!! compared to all the chores, i think office work is freaking relaxing!!!! i really have to respect those housewives! keeping a house is not easy. its not just about paying the money and taking the keys. how u take care of the house, and the house would repay u with comfort.

i did not ensure u were taken care properly, u r now starting to break down here and there. i feel really bad, but i'm helpless too. if i had the money, i would ensure everything is as good as new. but now, even getting a new mop needs consideration.

tis place had the best location and best accomodation i could ask for, really loved tis house. and i'm thankful. had he not insisted to keep u, i would think tat another owner would treat u much better. if i cant take care of u, i wouldnt ask to keep u. which explains y i'm always so emotional when i do housework. when its time to let u go, i'll be sad. but i'll also be damn glad for tis house, coz finally someone will treasure u and treat u as a home.

roach again?!

2011-07-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

just finished my thai lesson. had a hard time going thru class.. coz i was having an awful headache and my gums were really getting on my nerves. literally. not really a headache, its a part of my vein or blood vessel or dunno wat, at the bottom left side of my head, tat keeps throbbing and giving me sudden electric shock kind of pains. felt like dying. almost felt like i had tourret syndrome, coz at every shock, my body would jerk and i would feel like screaming. i wonder wats tat. coz its not the first time its happening. but tis time, it lasted the longest.

after class with dw, we were supposed to meet up with sherman and gang for poker. but i told him i really couldnt make it with my "shocking" headache. so he sent me home before going to sherman's.

i quickly walked home, popped 2 panadols, and walked to my toilet to wash up. just when i on the room lights, i saw something on the floor ran past. instinctively.... i start bawling. i cried like nobody's business. just had an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. i ran out to grab a whole freaking stack of newspaper, tot of throwing it on the bastard. but i simply couldnt. i just froze on my feet. after crying for 3 mins... i din know wat else to do, i called dw. once he picked up and he heard me crying. think i shocked him. haa.. amazingly, he understood wat i said while wailing. ok, i just screamed 3 words 有蟑螂!!! and he said he'll turn back.

*sometimes i'm really thankful for cindy and dw. coz they always save my life during bug attacks. and i'm thankful for them being understanding towards my fear of roaches. actually all the girls r really understanding in tis. everytime they see 1, they would warn me, or they'd get rid of it when i dun even know bout it. and yes, they saved my life plenty of times, just by doing tat. (other den celyn, who tried to pin me down once, when she saw a flying roach. coz she herself was so scared! end up sprawling rite on top of me, and i couldnt run, i almost wanted to kill myself on the spot!*

i kept screaming and screaming. even when he reached my place. i had to force myself to go open the door. he came in... 2 mins later.. the bastard is dead. i meant the roach la. hehe. and he was kind enough to check clear before leaving. sooooooooo relieved. if not, i will never sleep well. never. ok, i hope he win big money at poker now. :) (ahem, killing roaches for me stil doesnt mean i have to 以身相许, so, continue dreaming ah? coz i got plenty of ppl who r dying to kill them for me ya? bleah!) but i'm stil thankful la (^_^)

oh btw, i just sent cindy to the hospital before my class. she suddenly felt giddy and nauseous after our shopping. supposed to go for high tea, den she suggested beer. everyting was fine, until when we left the beer place, she went for a pee, den it started. hmm... wonder wat happened... hope its just nothing.

finally, i've started the process!

2011-07-27T20:11:00.003+08:00

yes, teeth braces. 25 Jul 2011.

was supposed to discuss the xrays with the doc on tat day, ended up extracting 2 teeth, which set the process ongoing. woot! i'm so excited.

but i'm now in such discomfort!!! in pain sometimes... i think tis only happens at tis initial stage. coz now, just extracted my 2 teeth, the doc input separators between teeth to create space, to be ready for next week, when the doc extracts another 2 teeth and installs the brackets in which to hold and pull back the braces. ya, sounds so troublesome rite. maybe tats y i has put me off so long to do it.

wats hurting me now is not the extraction. its the separators. coz now with 2 teeth gone, and the separators in place, guess my other teeth r suddenly shifting, and the gums r feeling raw and sensitive. it irritates the hell outta me. makes my gums so sensitive tat every bite sends a dull shock all over.

i'm now just super looking forward to next wed, when i get to get rid of tis irritating separators and also the other 2 teeth. and with the brackets installed, my braces will officially be installed on 22 aug! and i can finally fulfill another of my lifelong dreams, keke... to correct my crooked and protruding teeth.

i am so glad i'm starting to do stuff to correct my life. i can almost hear the engines from my train of life starting to go "choo... choo... choo"!! hahahaha

next? to correct my vision!

i'm back

2011-07-25T21:30:00.002+08:00

yup, back from my 2nd koh samui trip. did a lot of catching up with pasu, and even managed to meetup with chompoo! so happy!!!

am glad to have the girls experience samui with me tis time. it really meant a lot to me, to see the place together, and spend a few days together. it was fun and exciting. but tiring too! coz most of the time, i was recce-ing the places before they reached, and also worrying tat they might not enjoy their time there. but i really appreciate tis few days with them, it was really fun and i know its really difficult to do tis again anytime in the near future. so i really cherished the times with them in samui. hope they enjoyed as much as i did.

i just got back earlier tis morning. and i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms. haha... i miss samui already.

now, in the confinements of tis dirty lonely house, i'm more depressed den ever.

time to plan another trip!! hehehe

a blink, and the babys' gone.

2011-06-27T22:41:00.003+08:00

brought eunice to my place for a stay-over on sat nite. coz i had to bring her for a photo shoot yesterday morning. oh my. she is like a radio tat u cant switch off. i had to explain stuff over and over again. and still... y ah? 姑姑 y ah? ya, sometimes they r fun and sweet. especially when they pass me slips of paper which says, i love you 姑姑, it just melts my heart. but sometimes, u just wanna tear ur hair out and scream... arghhh!!! i entertained her till my eye lids closed by themselves. coz it was almost like i'm auditioning for a answer-all-the-questions show. these kids sure know how to tire out an adult.

it was her first studio shoot. feeling shy and awkward, made her very stiff and most of her pics came out funny. but there were those tat were really pretty too. and she look adult. too adult. my little princess is growing up too quick. i still see her on her first day to nursery, in her oversize uniform, clutching her bottle, and pillow, and she couldnt even speak properly yet. but now, yak yak yak, scream scream scream...hahaha... oh my, how i miss those times!!!! when i was looking at her pics, i'm proud and yet sad. coz she's growing up too fast, yet, she's gonna grow up a fine young lady. potential. she's definitely got potential. i'm anticipating!

yes, i've always wanted a kid of my own. been yearning since i was a girl. my dream when i was a girl, was to have a baby at 24. guess i cant turn back clock. keke. and probably my maternal instinct has been screaming at me, recent years, the yearning is becoming stronger. celyn say, tis will past, once it has past, u would hate tat idea. haaa... probably. i always count myself lucky, my niece and nephew love me like their own parents, and vice versa. i wonder if it was a compensation. i'm thankful thou. i really dunno if i would actually have my own kids when given a chance. i like to think and worry too much, like if my kids would be healthy, will they be cute, will they be smart, will they love me..etc.... so better not give myself more troubles eh? haaa... and seeing how my niece and nephew scream and fight each other... shudders...

2011-06-09T23:43:00.002+08:00

I think I'm depressed. seriously.

i better get myself up and stop wallowing in my own world of misery.

I'm beginning to lose interest in everything. I cry at anything. I wanna do nothing. I feel tat everything I do now is meaningless. it's like, I'm waiting. waiting for the day I die. tats bad.

y do I feel so trapped? y do I feel so restrained? y do I feel so weak? I hate it!!!!!!! I feel so helpless and useless... I wish somebody could lift me out of tis mudslide...

2011-06-01T22:18:00.000+08:00

原来被别人喜欢, 和去喜欢别人是一样累的.

yucks!!!!

2011-05-29T21:37:00.003+08:00

hate my dirty house so much now!!!! its so dirty i really dunno where to start cleaning! i'm gonna hire a part-time cleaner to do it. at least start off somewhere. yes, i admit i'm being petty on tis. but i guess, its only rite for ppl to seek for fairness.. at least in anything tat requires physical(strength) contribution.

wat i'm pissed at now, is tat everything seems to be breaking down in my house now. past few days, keeps having blackouts. scaring the shit outta me. tried fixing and finding out wat happened, in total darkness and when theres no ventilation at all. i was so pissed! when i tot i fixed it and everything was fine, everything got switched off in the middle of the nite again. and by the time i went home after work the next day, nothing was working... and the cycle repeats...

in the end, i angrily packed my clothes and plopped over at sam's place(who has graciously left his keys when he returned to taiwan for a month). was so happy at the cable tv there. hehe. practically glued myself to the tv. i love national geographic and discovery channel, been so long since i watched cable. feels kinda good to stay alone. other den the scary thunderstorm, everything else was peaceful.

tis afternoon, tried to wash clothes... worried tat i might create another blackout, went out to buy an extension cable. so now i have the fridge and washing machines wire leading out to the living room. so awful! so here i am washing clothes at 10pm. dammit! how to dry it?! puuuuiiii!!!!

y so unlucky????!!! huh??? tot tis year is supposed to be good for those born in year of the dog? knn. my arse! tis year is just as bad as last year!

i'm so tired!!! esp tis week. so many birtdays, sudden impromptu events, blackouts, work, kena arrow to do other ppl's work, searching for job before my contract ends... etc etc.... damn tired la!!!! den coming back to a filthy home just upsets me so much! den seeing stuffs at home all breaking down... makes me damn sad. i need a man who can take care of me and my home. no, wait. i dun need a man. i just need a maid. coz i can freaking take damn good care of myself!

can love stop?

2011-05-14T15:17:00.003+08:00

been wondering, can love be stopped?

lets say, a couple, they broke up. does love end there? if u loved a person a lot, den when u r unable to be together anymore, do u stop loving just becoz tat person is not by ur side? i guess tats not love. tat is "i would love to own tat person", rite? or maybe "i love the way the person love me".

A shared with me once, about his tots on love. (he just broke up with his fiancee. another story for another time) so i asked, "u dun love her anymore, tats y u wanna break up?" he replied, "no, i never stopped loving any of my ex gfs. only lesser, or more".

u might be thinking, "wat an asshole" or "wat a casanova". at first i also gave him the -_- face. but i went back to think about it. true enough. if u had truly used ur heart to love a person dearly, u would never ever be able to stop loving tat person. no matter wat happened, even if the person had hurt u or watever. deep down, the love would still be there. and tis love actually strenghthens u to carry on, and become a better person, in order to love the next person well.

to me, every relationship is a lesson. i learn, i grow. in my few relationships, i learnt a lot about human behavior. learnt how to care, how to love, how to share. whether ur partner had been a good person or a bad one, they stil teach u a lot. tats y i treasure every moment, i cherish every moment i had. even during those ugly arguements, those petty fights. coz i often have flash backs, and this spurs me to walk on as a better person.

i have the worst temper. the wierdest character. but when i love, i love with all my heart. i hope tat those whom i loved, felt my sincerity. maybe they might be hating me now, just hope tat their memories of me were not just of those at the last arguing moments. coz i would want ppl to move on with only happy memories. those happy times were wat i always smile about to myself.

y would i say my exes r hating me? i admit. i have tis OCD about relationships. u can call it 爱情洁癖. after reflecting, and after some of them highlighting to me, i realize i have 2 problems. 1. i seek perfection in my relationships. 2. when i've built up a great relationship, and when i love tis person to the max, i want to break up.

i've been doing deep reflections. and i really hope to stop or lessen tis 2 problems. coz its putting a strain on ppl who loves me. in prob 1, it makes ppl difficult to love me, coz i often feel tat if its not perfect enough, dun give it to me. in prob 2, i have the tendency to destroy any good things i have. for eg, i build a house of cards with great care and effort, den i will give it a good smack to destroy it. or a pretty sand castle, den i enjoy stomping on it. BUT only I can destroy it. ok, now it sounds crazy. which is y, my exes always cant fathom y i would love them deeply, treat them very well, and suddenly i create arguements and demand for a breakup. when i chat with my exes, sometimes they would still ask me, "eh, i still dun understand y u wanna breakup u know?" ermmm... i know. watever it is, i'm trying hard to better myself.

i can say tat my temper is not as fiery anymore. time mellows a person i guess. and i'm still improving on tat. next, i hope to work on my perception on love. maybe the way i grew up affected a lot on my love perspective, which created tis weird fibi. ultimately, i just wanna love like a normal person. and not tat weird evil twin tat pops up sometimes telling me to destroy everything i have.

duhz... think i need a shrink.

献给我 "非比寻常的影子"

2011-05-12T00:10:00.002+08:00

to: fibi's ordinary shadow

我的影子啊, 跟着我, 很辛苦吧? 对不起, 委屈你了...

2011-05-02T14:27:00.002+08:00

i'm soooo aching all over...

brought eunice, euston and eudocia to the swimming pool the day before. they had so much fun. and it was eudocia's first visit to the pool. kekeke... she was so cute! kicking and splashing the water. but she turned cranky at the end when i brought her to the shower. guess she didnt like the shower. hahaha..

den, went cycling with the girls yesterday. we cycled to buy lotsa food, den cycled to a quiet place to have our lunch. felt really great, gentle sun, cool breeze, rite beside the sea, crap jokes, wat more can i ask for... hahaha... too bad cindy couldnt join us, if not there'll be more crappy jokes. we cycled quite a distance, which explains my aches and pains. owwww... my legs, my back..

just finished with the laundry... had wanted to carry on with cleaning the floor. den, i squatted down to get something... arggh... forget it.. i'll clean it few days later. even thou the amount of dust in my house is pissing me off. i'm just so looking forward to getting a smaller house, a place i can truly call my own. decorate it with a rojak-fibi style. and keep it clean and cockroach free. I CAN DO IT! I WILL DO IT! 加油!!!

家有一老，如有一宝

2011-04-19T14:07:00.003+08:00

everytime the cleaner auntie comes into the office to do cleaning, I can't help but feel awful. I really feel so so bad for her. she is so old and yet have to do all tis hard work. I always greet her when she comes in and she always return me with a smile and a 你吃饱了吗?

once, I bought pastry for the colleagues in my office, 8 of us in total. I bought 8 pieces. wanted to have it for teabreak with them. den the auntie walked in to clean our office. immediately I gave mine to her. but auntie was so worried tat I dun get to eat. I had to ensure her I've eaten. den she carefully wrapped it up in tissue and put into her plastic bag.

seeing her often reminds me to be extra good to my parents.

I hate u! Chao gahmen!! open ur eyes wide to see all these poor old ppl trying to survive! cant u see their struggles?! dun u feel ashamed?! and u stil dare to say u r taking care of all ur citizens?! hate u! hate u! hate u! I hope ur kids abandon u when u get old! I curse u!

2011-04-07T17:53:00.000+08:00

2011-03-22T11:30:00.003+08:00

我记得
快乐的, 不快乐的, 我都记得

我会忘记的
我会慢慢都忘记的

时间会帮我的.

2011-03-22T00:53:00.005+08:00

几世轮回，轮几回
花开花谢，日升落
等等等等，等什么
回头笑望，多少悲

~ fibi
22 apr 2011

2011-03-14T02:14:00.003+08:00

just attended a wedding with mummy. one of her old fren's son got married. very nice ballroom they have, grand Copthorne waterfront. I was glad to see mummy enjoying her catch up session with her old time frens. thou she was very conscious about her crutches. I had to tell her many times tat no one is gonna laugh at her.

there were many touching moments. for me. like their wedding photo montage, which was very nice. and also the march in. actually the music and the atmosphere wasn't quite rite... but it brought back many memories. y I said the atmosphere wasn't rite? coz the guests didn't really cooperate, not much ppl were clapping or cheering... so it was kinda awkward. and the music was kinda soft, so it didnt bring out the impact.

but stil, there were many moments tat brought tears to my eyes.

even just seeing those aunties, who practically saw me growing up. the way they called out to me.... suddenly I was transported 20 years back... when they would call out my name, ruffle my hair, pinch my cheeks, give me tidbits. suddenly, I miss them. I miss the old factory tat my mum worked at. I miss the younger me.

I feel so lonely.

2011-03-09T21:37:00.002+08:00

A is getting married. glad for him. sad for the girl. hmmm... lets just say, he aint so sure bout himself. the fact tat we've been meeting up.. and he chose to tell me 2 days after our previous meeting.. says a lot doesn't it?

he's been with tis girl for a period of time. open relationship, he called it. he wasnt sure if she's the one.. so he kept himself open. 9 months back, he asked if i wanted to be with him. at tat time, i was stil lost and hurting... i avoided him. also, i felt tat he had wanted to be sure he had my backup before he broke up with the girl... it was kinda selfish... so, i decided tat he wasnt for me. maybe i was just commitment phobic.

recently, we started meeting again... and he didnt say anything... until last week. said, they've gotten an apartment. however, he added tat he is troubled, and did not know wat he was doing. told him tat since he had chosen, he should get on with his life and be a good hubby to be. he just felt tat he doesnt know if its the rite decision.

today, he told me tat, we did not have a closure tat time. (even thou we did not start anything) he said tat, thou we had nothing going on, he doesnt know y he stil couldnt let go.

i find it funny... coz i feel its just his inner "valentino" talking. prob he just wanted a final fling before his single life funeral, as the saying goes, a leopard never change its spots. to me, my devil says, go ahead, have fun. my angel says i should consider ppl's feelings...

well, i say... dun jeopardize my peaceful life.

2011-01-18T22:55:00.002+08:00

So depressed...

When is tis unlucky streak gonna end??? My mum fell and broke her leg. It was last thurs, I rushed down to her and sent her to the hospital in an ambulance. Tis the first time I see my mum in such vulnerable state. She was always so strong... Till now. Although she's out of the hospital and back home, but everytime I see her limping with the crutches, my heart hurts.

Now all the household chores and taking care of the 3 kids lands on my dad. I'm worried for him too. Coz he is not young anymore. It hurts to see him slogging too. All I can do is help out a bit here and there. I've moved back to take care of them. And it's not easy... I'm so used to being alone... Now, the kids r just too noisy.

Now, I just hope my mum can recover well and fast. And didi and jiejie could be more sensible. They r simply so naughty now, and I'm afraid they would bump into my mum when they run around... It will be disastrous if tat happens. I really dunno how our family is gonna survive in time to come. I'm so worried. My dad won't be able to hold long. He is gonna tire himself out. I asked my bro... He sound lost too... Maybe we should all move to London... At least my bro and sis in law could help out too...

Work hasnt been too smooth.. I'm totally new to the environment, job scope, ppl, culture. And yet, they r pushing me to take over all of the stuff coz they couldn't handle it anymore. Now I'm struggling to jam as much info into my brain as possible, coz it seems they r expecting me to have the info they want at a snap of their finger.

I've always been bad at opening up to ppl. Yet now... I have to interview strangers almost everyday. And everyone knows I hate numbers and maths. Guess wat... I'm in charge of the finance dept. Alrite, Althou I dun have to physically do accounting nor financial reports, but in order to interview them I need to know their job scope... So I dun appear to be a bimbo. Sometimes while they r talking bout accounting terms or systems... I'm still blur. Guess I gotta do some reading up..

I think all the stress added up, been feeling very down and short tempered tis few days. Appetite was bad too.

2011-01-10T21:28:00.002+08:00

I wonder y

And I dunno y....

I'm feeling awfully miserable on tis cold and lonely nite...

I dun wanna cry

I asked for a sign....

All I got, was tears and the sound of cars whizzing by

happy 2011 ^_^

2011-01-04T21:57:00.002+08:00

brand new year
brand new job
brand new start
brand new me!

yesterday was my first day in mediacorp. i just realized, i left 1 mdc, to join another "mdc". and from one hill, to another hill. bleah.... hahahaha...

still learning stuff and knowing new ppl. hope i dun screw up. cant comment much bout the job yet. gonna observe more before i comment anything. i'm very objective de hor. hehe...

i'm so not used to waking up early... so tired and sleepy.... yawnz...

Merry.. merry christmas...

2010-12-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

这么多年以来，第一个独自过的圣诞节。
宁静，没有任何的人潮，喧闹。平静，没有大口大口的喝着酒。安静，没有朋友的嬉闹声。
很peaceful, 没有人潮兴奋地等着倒数。

只有电风扇轻轻的嗡嗡声。

我，并不lonely。我很感激偶尔宁静的时间好让我反省反省。

错了，就痛了
痛了，就懂了
懂了，就会反省了
反省了，就不再错了

silent nite.

圣诞快乐，晚安。

2010-12-24T18:05:00.001+08:00

merry xmas!!!

(^__^)

i'm such a singaporean

2010-12-21T01:29:00.002+08:00

yup. true blue singaporean.

i did the most auntie thing today. the newstand was having a promotion today; buy 联合晚报 and u get a free loaf of bread. i did. hahahahahaha....

while going to ntuc to stock up groceries, i heard ppl calling out, "买晚报，送面包!" i hesitated, but walked on. did my shopping and while walking home with my bags of groceries.... i walked to the newstand and ask if they stil have 晚报. (actually i was only interested in tat bread) hahahahahaha..... i normally only buy newpaper or straitstimes. as for the chinese papers.. i read it free at my mum's place. haha.

hey, good deal mah. food for my tummy and mind. y not. hehe. and i'm proud of tat glowing loaf of bread now. keke... my first freebie. (tat i achieved all by myself!)

wahahahahaha.... so lucky rite? the moment i walked past, they were just unloading those free bread loaves. hehe.

grateful is me.

2010-12-17T23:35:00.002+08:00

i've got the job!!!!! i'm stil wondering am i dreaming... or is my bad luck playing a prank on me. maybe they'll call back 2moro and tell me there has been a mistake and they r not gonna hire me. (touch wood, kaaapuiii)

tis is like the best bday present. is it really true? my luck is gonna change for the better once i past my bday? i really hope so. maybe i've been so down on luck for the past year, tat i couldnt believe my good luck now. just now, while waiting for jace to go shopping at vivo, i decided to get some groceries from giant. and as i was getting kinda hungry, i used up all my coins to get some snacks. while munching happily on fishballs and walking towards giant, suddenly i remembered, i used up my only $1 coin. i had no coins to use the trolley. i tot, darn, see la, damn suay as usual. i stood there wallowing at my suayness for a while, thinking how am i gonna carry the hand-carry basket with groceries when i'm already hands full with a heavy handbag and a big heavy file.

as i was about to give up the idea to go into giant... i looked into my handbag... guess wat i saw? a holy looking son.of.a.damn.so.pretty.$1.coin. i never tot the coin could look so chio before.

i.am.not.joking. maybe coz i've been unlucky for too long, tat i've learnt to appreciate and be very grateful to tis kinda small little pleasant surprises. i guess, when one day i'm able to be grateful for life's every little detail, i'll be a very happy person.

*ps: u might be thinking, go change coins la. ahem.. pps: fibi dun like to do tis kinda stuff. very paisey de lei. so auntie. hahaha

anyway, back to the job. i shall update more details when i sign the appointment letter. i'm still not convinced i can be so lucky. i've called my mum and told her about it. i could hear the smile in her voice. and could hear her relieve too. i am really glad to make her happy.

2010-12-15T02:06:00.003+08:00

just realized, i havent seen the xmas lightings in town yet. and its already mid dec.

in the past, i'd be jumping for joy the day the town gets lighted up. tis year, i din even realize its dec. dec had always been my favorite month, and i'd always linger in malls listening to xmas songs... but i havent heard much of them tis time.

come to think of it... i've been dreading dec's approach.. makes me feel cold, miserable, lonely... i even dread my upcoming bday. which is unbelievable. coz bdays had always been my utmost important day of my life. i always considered it a big big day. now... its just another miserable day. probably, its coz i had the most lonely, most miserable, most pathetic bday last year... which created tis fear for bdays. now i do not even wanna be reminded of the day. i dun look forward to it anymore.

i wish... i can be happy about bdays again.

oh ya, btw, if i'm really being cursed by someone... well.. congrats, u've done it.

2010-12-14T15:19:00.003+08:00

i'm beginning to wonder.. am i being cursed?

tis year has been the worst i've got. all my life, other den those small clumsy mishaps, my days r stil considered quite smooth. can be considered quite lucky. but tis year, my luck has been so down, its bordering at being amazing. i'm really amazed at how unlucky i can be.

well.. i dun intend to blame anyone for my pathetic state now... instead, i'm gonna be thankful. thankful for those who still cared so much for me. thankful for being able to survive all these. thankful for learning all these valuable lessons. thankful for realizing how blessed i've been.

few days back, my mum stuffed me some money. i refused. its been so many years, ever since i started working, i've been the one to give her money. when she did it, i nearly cried. y have i landed myself in such a sorry state. all kinds of emotions just overwhelmed me.. den i realized, she stuffed it into my bag.

i hate myself for making them worry. i hope tat one day, i'm able to let them enjoy life and pamper themselves.

sometimes i really feel like giving up. but thinking of my family... i can't. i have to be strong... for them. and i will be! now, i will concentrate on getting a good job. and also pray tat one day, my idiot brother will wake up from his idiotic senses.

2010-12-11T15:33:00.002+08:00

think i killed more den 10 spiders today. i wonder where they all come from... and they r making webs at record speed. i could kill one today, clear away the web, and in 2 days, theres a new one with a huge ass web again. wth, i think they consider my house a suitable place to stay.

btw... I LOVE MY MUM AND DAD!!!! they r the sweetest!!! muacks!

2010-12-09T19:15:00.002+08:00

i cross my fingers. i cross my toes. i hope, i wish, i pray i get the job 2moro.

hehe... tat rhymes eh?

i need a good job. to jump start my life again.

a letter. to u...

2010-12-08T23:51:00.003+08:00

thank you for always being there for me.

i know u really care a lot for me.

i know u r a really nice person.

i know u r genuinely concern for all my well-being.

i know whenever i'm upset, u get upset too.

i know u r happy whenever u see me smile.

i know u wanna be there for me.

i know u support my every decision.

i know u r such a sweetie.

i also know u have been quietly waiting. i appreciate everything.

but i'm unable to reciprocate anything. not at the moment. i'm still reconciling with myself. if i accept u now, i'm just being selfish, and greedy for the attention and love. i cant do it to a person who care so much for me. i guess, only when i'm able to move on, tats when i'm able to accept another person in my life. althou most of the time i dun say anything, or i just sound like an ungrateful bitch... i'm thankful from the bottom of my heart. i'm really really grateful for tis frenship, tats y i'm very scared to jeopardize it at the moment. (i just need to record tis down) we said before, 我们会是一辈子的好朋友哦!

i'm thankful tat whenever i feel upset, u r so ever ready to lend me tat shoulder. i'm also thankful tat whenever i'm feeling happy, u r happy for me. yin dee ti dai roo jak. jing jing. (ok, tat sounds funny. watever la.) really glad to have known u. i dunno wat will the future hold, be it, u r with someone else, or i'm with someone else, i know tat, i will always be there for u, and i know u will be there for me too. and who knows, if both of us very old liao, and noone wants us, we go stay at the same 老人院 lor. hehe... (omg, i just remembered, u r gonna be 100x more lorsor den now... darn...)

i know u might be thinking, y can i accept other ppl, but not u. coz i truly care and dun wish to hurt u. and i dun wanna lose u. guess, we have tis in common, we care too much.

i wonder when can i get out of my mind's whirlpool. its making me lose my directions in life. if only i could settle everything tat is upside down in my life now, only den i could start walking forward.

2010-11-24T23:01:00.002+08:00

今天陪妈妈去庙里拜拜，顺便求了支签：

炎炎烈火焰连天焰里还生一朵莲
到底修成根不坏依然生叶吐花鲜

此签，火里生莲之象凡事似险非险也。

是否有人能替我解这支签?

but dunno y, after reading the lot, i actually felt much better... thou dun fully understand the meaning... but it seemed to calm me down a lot. while following my mum around the temple, i tried to copy her every movement. hahaha... cute hor? she kept saying "aiya, u do tis hor, den go here, den like tat, den go there, can already." and i simply replied, "我跟着你啦." den she smile and said, "好啦好啦，跟着我啦"

i didnt really know wat i should do, or wat i should 'say'. so i simply prayed for my family to be healthy, safe, and get happier every single day. and i also kinda 'whined" about my totally unsmooth year, and hope to have a sign to enlighten me on wat to do next. which led to the lot tat i got.

funny thing is, i didnt know how to "shake the lot stick" out of the container. my mum showed me, and her's came out in less den 10 secs. mine refused to drop out. i was so stressed till my face was drenched with perspiration. and ppl were watching me. hahaha... and my mum added to my stress, by standing beside me and laughing... den she say, "aiyo, u not sincere la, god also dunno wat u asking". duhz. den she made other ppl stare at me with curiosity too. the lot finally dropped out, took so long tat my arms even started to ache. faintz...

i really hope the lot means, althou tis year was really really bad, but after i emerge from this shit hole, i'm gonna be a fresh new person. and things r gonna get better. oh btw... my lot number is 82. i like the number =)

now the thing is, i dunno if i should hope tat tis lot is real, and dunno should i totally believe in it. coz if i did, means my mum's lot will come true too. of which, her's is kinda bad. ermmmm.... as the saying goes... 坏的不灵，好的灵! i am so anticipating for the better year ahead!!!!

妈咪，老豆，我会加油！会努力！让你们过好日子！

2010-11-20T16:24:00.002+08:00

i'm always amazed at the amount of dust tat can accumulate in my house.

i wonder where all these dust came from... cleaning tis house always feels like a big project. i'm even more amazed at how my nose can run everytime i come in contact with dust. dun really understand my allergy... duhz...

多么痛的领悟

2010-11-11T00:09:00.004+08:00

小的时候，总是幻想拥有一段童话般的爱情。再长大些，便又向往狂野与轰轰烈烈的浪漫。长大后，更贪心的要求拥有完美与永恒。

现在才觉悟，完美无止尽，永恒抓不着。已无力再追求无瑕的爱情。美丽的幻想已是我用来嘲笑自己愚蠢的工具。

至今，我也只能用回忆和坚强把破碎的心，一小片，一小片，的粘回原状。裂痕虽在，至少能填补身体里那个空缺。但愿不要再有人将它粉碎，哪怕只是轻轻触碰。

现在，我不再幻想完美爱情，不再奢求有一个我很爱他，他也很爱我的人。不再盲目的自私，要他以我要的方式爱我。

所谓，爱人是痛苦，被爱是幸福。我对爱人的痛苦，存有恐惧，害怕。饶了我，我以不想再痛了。

只要有人能让我感受到他是爱我的，能照顾我的，我愿用生命再赌一把。。。虽然我知道，我一辈子都是逢赌必输。

2010-11-04T13:52:00.002+08:00

woke up to a fucking horrible stench. like some fucking rat died in my house! traced the stench to my rubbish bin. shit dammit! took up the plastic bag to tie it up, found tat the bag was leaking. stinky liquid was dripping all over the floor and the bin. YUCK! had to fucking clean up the floor and wash the bin. i'm not angry about cleaning up. i just have tis fear for rubbish bins, chutes, or watever u call it. and tis fear stems from the fear of roaches. especially rubbish chutes. i have tis terrible fear tat if i open up the chute door, roaches will swarm out to attack me.

tats y i often dread bringing out the trash. believe it or not, i have a rubbish chute just beside my unit, yet, i often bring my trash all the way down to the void deck's rubish bin. which i'm always embarressed about, coz neighbours in the same lift will be giving me wierd stares at my bulky bags tat is giving out stinks.

my new resolutions of the year, clear rubbish bin everyday and try to use the rubbish chute. and seal up my main door. i do not even want a 1mm gap under my door. i'm gonna seal any slim chance of roaches coming into my house. has done it to my room door, now, the living room door. (dw, pls lend me ur amazing scissors, need to cut up the door seal. thanks)

few months back, i was on my way home. reached my unit. just a few steps more. a fucking huge cockroach was rite at my doorstep. FUCK!!! i froze there for god knows how long. i just kept praying, DUN GO INTO MY HOUSE PLS, DUN GO INTO MY HOUSE!!!! i simply stood there and couldnt move. until the roach started moving, i was about to run, but i had to make sure it didnt go into my house. den i saw it went into my neighbour's plant. i was so fast, opened the door, slammed it shut, sealed the gap with cloth. den start crying.

argggghhhhhhh!!! fuck dammit cockroaches!!!!! i simply do not understand. why?!!! WHY?! y do i attract cockroaches so much??!!! its 100% of the time, if i were with a group of ppl, and if the roach were to attack, its confirm to be me. always me. Y??!!! arggghhhhhhhhh!!!

singapore, pls do not say u r a clean and green country. coz u r one dirty country!! go look at the amount of fucking roaches swarming in the neighbourhoods! disgusting!!! oh, not just neighbourhoods, its everywhere!!!! pls do something, before roaches conquer ur land. or before they start eating human! y hasnt anyone noticed the increasing number of them?!

2010-11-03T22:07:00.003+08:00

如果你所爱的人，看到你受的小伤，一点都不心疼，那他由始至终都不值得你的爱

如果你病了，你所爱的人觉得那是医生的责任，医生才能让你好一点，那他也不值得你爱

如果你难过，哭了，他不怜惜，觉得你不懂事，那他没爱过你

如果你很爱的人，拥有以上所有的特征... 你很可怜, 甚至可悲...

2010-11-03T15:28:00.002+08:00

ow.. ow.. ouch...

backache.. tis stiff back has been killing me for a few months now... guess i gotta change my mattress.

dun get me wrong girls, i still very very very much appreciate the mattress u all bought for me as a surprise.

maybe i'm just getting fatter and heavier. i've flatten some parts of it... and tis could be causing the achings... hmmm... or am i just getting old? duhz..

i should exercise... i really should. need to get rid of the spare tyre on my waist.

2010-10-26T00:01:00.003+08:00

sometimes i grieve for things i've lost

sometimes i yearn for things i don't have

sometimes i wished i had an easier life

but i stil thank god for here and now. i'm thankful for wat i have, wat i am.

i'm looking forward to wat i'm gonna achieve. wat i'm gonna have. Future, pls be kinder to me. i'm not as strong as u think i am. coz at the same time, i'm terrified of wat i'm gonna lose..

money or passion?

2010-10-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

(i need passion) + (passion needs money) = (i need money)

2010-10-19T22:17:00.000+08:00

爱，我爱到无悔
恨，我恨得彻底

Eat healthy!

2010-09-29T23:08:00.002+08:00

炖鸡汤! 炖鸡汤! yummy yummy! hehe...

i'm now double-boiling some chicken soup. at 11pm. hehe. so i could have some 很补lunch 2moro. and ermmm... of coz some for my supper now. ehehehe...

cooked a pot of vegetables porridge yesterday. full of vegs, mushrooms and stuff. and proud to say, i did not add any seasonings at all! phew... had never cooked anything or ate anything without seasonings before. keke.

i feel so healthy already!!!

if not for the McSpicy Burger meal (upsized) supper last nite.
ahahahahahaha..........

如果這就是愛情 - 張靚穎

2010-09-27T01:09:00.003+08:00

very nice song. at the top of my playlist currently. and my current "mind-song". the song tat keeps playing nonstop in ppl's head. i just heard it once on the radio just now. and its embedded. great. now i have to embed it here. well, here goes... enjoy!

yup... 如果這就是愛情. if only there were 如果s tat we could choose from.

if only love grants if onlys tat comes true.

那這就是愛情我難以抗拒
如果這就是愛情本來就不公平

2010-09-27T00:10:00.002+08:00

damn tired. my eyes r now all red and watery....

i'm used to going to bed late recently. everynite i'll fall asleep around 4am. which means last nite too.

but.... i had to wake up at 7am tis morning.... duhz... whole day i'm a walking zombie... kekeke.... but the kids today who came for the audition were really really cute!!!! they were aged 4 - 10 yr old.

stay tuned for the upcoming Sheng Shiong Show tis end of Oct to see the kids in action! some can sing real well... and some... well... very cute lor... heh.

Time.

2010-09-13T00:09:00.004+08:00

time is passing by so fast, its freaking me out a little.

i was having dinner just now at around 6pm. the next thing i know, here i am, posting tis entry at 12am! where did all the time go?

probably the news of Encik Hussain passing on got to me. and i'm just emo-ing a little.

he was the icon of navy. he was the person all rookie navy officers had to face when they decide to sign on as an officer, he was the one who "tekan" those new birds. he was the one who led them from boys to become men. and all these men, walk out of midshipmen school, becoming officers, all higher rank den him. but, all held utmost respect for him. in the past, i often wonder y, he was a museum curator, y the officers were so scared of him, and respected him so much. (ya, some officers were snobs, tats y i couldnt understand y) den, i heard stories of his history. and i also read up on navy's past.

after he retired being a militry navy personnel, he stayed on. to become an icon of the navy museum. every school, every person whom had visited the republic of singapore navy museum, would have known him. its almost like, his eyes had seen the growth of singapore navy. thru his eyes, u see the archival of navy's history. he IS the navy museum.

back in my navy office, he would often walk past, say something witty and walk off, leaving us laughing our heads off. i remember his famous quote, "aiya, dun care lah!" and whenever i tell him some officer is looking for him, he would say, "wat?! nothing is important enough to look for him, other den lunch. no no no, go tell him i'm not free" (guess tat time he was going thru menopause. heh)

its been so long since i last spoke to him, but i could stil remember his voice and the way he speaks.

rest in peace encik hussain, smooth seas and fair winds on ur way home. rest in peace.

suddenly, i miss navy's piping. the heartbreaking long notes, so soothing, yet brings along a sad tinge of melancholy air with it. contradicting eh? ya. back then, whenever i hear the piping, it usually means its late, time to go home, or means i'm doing OT. even thou i'm happy to be going home after work, the sound also gives me a forlornness feel. now, thinking back, the sound of it.... bitter sweet. truly.

i can almost imagine how sailors feel during sundown. homesick. away from loved ones. nothing but the bleak horizon. and den, the sound of the piping. and u can walk back to ur bunk, check 1 day off the calendar. and u r 1 day closer. to home.

am i really lonely?

2010-09-08T00:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i think tat i am lonely. but when ppl asks me out, i hesitate. even when i finally lift my body out of my house, i get restless very fast. i'll be all listless and cant wait to get home. and when i'm home, the cycle starts again, i cant wait to go out. wats wrong with me? duhz.

i wanna go hang out with ppl. chat, talk bout current stuff, know new frens. but recently, i find myself often floating away when ppl r talking... i dun seem to take interest... i think i'm drifting away from human contact and civilization. i prefer smaller groups of frens, or just be on my own. and i enjoy talking to myself here, my blog.

anyway, i had fun at the east coast park chalet with the girls last fri. enjoy spending time with them. they can get so hilarious. esp celyn's "jiao chia". hahahaha, we laughed our heads off. its a mix of hokkien and mandarin for bicycle. hahaha.

and tis coming fri, another bbq with them. heh. waiting for it.

ok, conclusion. i'm not lonely. coz i have my bunch of sisters.

2010-09-01T13:00:00.003+08:00

have u ever been haunted by a ridiculous song tat keeps on repeating itself over and over again in ur mind?

well, i have. sometimes its the whole song, and sometimes its just a sentence or 2. it could even be just a random melody.

tis morning's song, which made me wanna hit myself on the head was, "冬天里的一把火". how ridiculous was tat? i havent even heard the song for darn long. and here it is, stuck in my head.

yup. its frustrating. but kinda funny. i'm just trying... maybe by writing it down, i can remove it from my mind. heh.

你就像那一把火! 汹汹火焰燃烧了我! hahahahhaa...

homely

2010-08-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

cleaned up the house today. did quite a thorough job. thou there'd be a part 2 2moro. coz i was really tired and trembling from hunger by tat time. so, my poor bathtub will have to wait to be scrubbed. hee...

also cooked my own lunch and dinner. yummy and healthy! thou it was just a pot of yong tau foo soup with plain rice. was good enough. coz my soup was full to the brim with a lot of stuff and veg. its fulfilling both for my tummy and for my mind. so happy =)

and i'm so anticipating the chalet with the girls next week! its gonna be so fun hanging out with them.

so grey.

2010-08-16T17:34:00.001+08:00

everything seem so grey.

the sky now is grey.
makes everything grey.
sitting on my grey sofa, i see only grey.
rite now, all i see is grey.

oh wait. the wall i'm facing is grey. no wonder. ahahaha.

i luv gloomy days. i should join my bro in london.

where is me???

2010-08-15T15:46:00.003+08:00

now tat i've quit my job, i'm more busy den while holding a full-time job.

now tat i've more time, i feel more tired.

now tat i'm more free, time passes horribly fast.

now tat i'm able to choose a career path i want, i'm procrastinating.

now tat i'm single, i'm wasting time.

haiz.... i should go out and have fun. wait... i AM having fun. a lil expensive thou. kekeke. girls, next time chill at coffeeshops pls. and my kidney needs rest from alcohol.

*conclusion: i'm not destined to be a player. its just not me. i have more fun with my gal pals den meeting different guys every other day. i find it really tiring. esp when u have to repeat urself X number of times. with my poor memory, tis aint gonna work. coz tis'll happen:

x: wat r u talking about?
me: huh, i told u tat day already mah
x: nope, wat was it about?
me: oh... hmm...

y: wat was tat?
me: havent i told u?
y: i have no idea bout tat
me: oops.

me: hey, u know wat... bla bla bla
z: u told me tat already
me: oh, did i?

phone beeps:
x: hey, see ya 2moro!
me: alrite!

phone beeps:
y: dun forget our date 2moro!
me: huh? ermmm... ok.

phone beeps:
z: last week u said we'll meet tis week? 2moro will be good.
me: ohhhh... hmm... did i?

and the list goes on. and it gets confusing sometimes. soon, it gets to ur mind. so, valentinos out there, if ur memory's database is like mine. forget it. its either u piss ppl off, or u get mind-fucked. like me.

Bucket list - Updated Ver 2

2010-08-11T15:47:00.003+08:00

1. sing and dance in the rain - checked

2. fulfil my promise to celyn tat we'll go on an all girls trip and party like crazy - checked (genting, batam, hongkong)

3. learn how to do a real body wave. (i cant dance, damn) - stil learning, about there.

4. visit more den 12 countries - m'sia, taipei, bangkok/koh samui, perth, batam, switzerland, paris, london, germany, (can i count dubai if its just transit? heh)3 more to go. Updated >> Hong Kong, China. just 1 more to go!

5. skinny dip

6. make a stranger smile, and remember tat i made him/her happy for tat 2 secs - checked

7. help out some old folks and orphans. Updated >> checked!

8. go on a lone trip, to connect with nature physically and spiritually

9. give those around me, good memories to remember me by

10. take a photo of a nite sky full of glittering stars - checked

11. free my thoughts

list is subjected to changes.

郭采潔- I Remember

2010-08-11T15:40:00.000+08:00

2010-07-30T14:24:00.002+08:00

i just created a new taste to my usual instant noodles! and it tastes great!!

with the Maggi's instant curry noodles, cook it the regular way, add an egg, mix in the egg. when everything is done, it will still be boiling rite? switch off the fire, add a piece of cheddar cheese on top of the noodles(the kind u put in sandwiches)

wait 20secs for cheese to melt. wala! yummy yummy noodles tat taste a lil like baked pasta.

one thing to note, dun mix in the cheese. if not, u'd regret it coz u'll have a hard time washing ur bowl and utensils. for me, i just pick out those noodle parts with cheese and eat those first while its stil hot and creamy. coz once cooled, it'll stick to the bowl and spoon. i like to finish those cheese first, so i get to enjoy tat and also the original taste without the cheese. 一举两得!

***********************************

i stubbed my right big toe on my glass door yesterday. freaking painful. bled a lot. and i think half of my toe nail has dislodge from my toe. ouch....

feel damn stupid. and its all becoz of a flying insect....

was heating up my instant pizza, meanwhile, i saw an insect flew into my kitchen, without my glasses, i couldnt see wat it was, but i didnt want it in my living room, so i closed my kitchen's glass door, which i usually dun.

after closing it, my oven rang, indicating my pizza is ready. i stooped down to take it out, its hot. so i quickly put it on a rack and quickly turned to bring it to the dining table. BAM! ....... i forgot bout the door.

1st tot: omg, so paisey. even when i'm alone.
2nd tot: woh! careful, dun drop the pizza.
3rd tot: did i hurt my face???
4th tot: hmmm... i think somewhere is hurting i wonder where

i looked down at my toe. couldnt see clearly, so i tot i just bumped it, maybe a lil bruised. i looked nearer... about 3 secs... saw blood oozing out...

1st tot: hey, y am i bleeding?
2nd tot: oh no, oh no, my blood is gonna dirty the floor!
3rd tot: tissue tissue, dun let it stain the floor.
4th tot: ouch.

yup. sounds very stupid rite? i agree.
wonder how am i gonna put on shoes tis few days, and how to go to work??? and i'm going clubbing with the girls 2nite. i'm so scared tat in the crowd, some idiot is sure gonna step on my toe...

Love is blind...

2010-07-21T14:34:00.002+08:00

Let me share a story i heard and liked a lot...

there was once... all emotions came out to play. there were Happy, Sad, Anger, Nervous... u name it, they were all there. while playing, they decided to play a game of hide and seek.

after discussion, Madness was chosen as the catcher.

everyone went to hide.

as you know, madness is mad. so he went around crazily searching. and very fast, one by one, all the emotions were found... except Love.

Madness searched and searched, he found nothing. he could not find Love anywhere. he was losing patience. and he was mad not able to find Love.

at another corner, well hidden in a bush, was Love. She was giggling happily.

Madness heard the giggles. he ran over, and knew tat Love was hidden in the bush. so, quietly, he took a branch and started poking it into the bush.

after a few stabs, there was a scream of pain from Love. Madness had accidentally stabbed into Love's eyes. Madness was very guilty.

from then on, Love is blind.... and is always led by madness.

is tis molest?

2010-07-19T13:05:00.004+08:00

it has been bugging me the whole nite... thinking, have i been molested?

last nite, after work at mediacorp, took a long journey bus from macritchie. was happy to realize tat there r buses back to hougang central, which is 1 mrt stop away from my place. guess tat was about an hour's ride... din really keep track... was busy reading.. hehe

when i finally reached hougang central, its already 11.30pm. so i tot, might as well take a slow stroll back home... i love drizzling nites...

bad choice.

while walking, i started to feel someone kinda near me. so i tot, its either tis person is trying to overtake me, or its someone i knew and is trying to ensure its me before talking to me. i wasnt really bothered, so i din turn around. but i did notice tat he is staying at my right blind spot for far too long. i slow down, he slowed down, i hasten, he sped up too.

suddenly, he tapped me on my shoulder. so i tot, aha, must be my fren lor. finally remembered me. i spun around to a stranger's face.

stranger: 小姐，你背后有蟑螂。

me: totally freaked out. i froze for 3 secs before i started hopping on the spot. u know how much fear i have for tat insect.

so after hopping, i kept asking him, where is it? where is it???

he calmly said, "here". den proceeded to swat off the cockroach from my back. but it felt like he was patting me starting from my shoulder all the way down to my butt. tats when i started to feel something is not rite. so i looked on the ground for the roach. saw nothing, den looked at him suspiciously.

stranger: 很小只的，neh, 跑掉了.

i looked at where he pointed and all over the ground. i saw nothing.

i looked at him again. he looked at me blankly.

me: orh. ermm.. ok. ermm.. thanks.

den i walked. slowly picked up speed too. coz he was stil rite behind. i freaked out. i held my phone tightly. i din dare look behind. and i nearly broke into a run. but i just kept calm and walked very fast. even nearly got ran down by a stupid white sports car, tat was gonna beat the red light. shit man!

after i reached home safely, i kept analyzing the scenario again and again.

i feel wierd.

firstly, the place was kinda dark. and he was following me for some distance. and he's always at my right blind spot. if its a small cockroach, would it be easy to spot? plus, my hair was on my back. with my waist length dark brown hair, plus its in curls, can the roach be spotted?

secondly, which sane man would pat a lady's back all the way to the butt without saying anything?

thirdly, y did he tell me its a small cockroach only when i eyed him suspiciously, when he first told me, he gave me the scary expression tat i have a huge one on my back.

lastly, it doesnt feel like he is brushing off the small insect, coz i could feel his touch thruout. and i dun think tat with every pat, the roach would run lower down my back, it should either fall on the floor or might crawl all over. but he systematically moved straight down. plus, with tat force, the small roach should be now dead and stuck to my back.

ok, now i feel stupid. girls out there, pls be very careful. if it happens to u, just ask where is it and u'll do it urself.

ARGGHHHHHGHHGHGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COCKROACHES!!!!! HOW MANY TIMES U WANNA RUIN MY LIFE???!!!! i'm starting to suspect tat my death reason would have sometin to do with u.

ok stranger, if u r innocent, i sincerely apologize. but, pls, dun ever touch a female like tat. ur lucky i'm blur. if not, u r dead meat.

我的第一个外景！

2010-07-13T11:18:00.002+08:00

my first part-time job! kekeke.... hmm... if u dun consider my regular sundays with sss. and its also my first outdoor shoot. its really tiring, plus hot! i was perspiring so much tat for the whole day i only output water once.

but, i was really happy i went for it. coz its a shoot at the Lee Ah Mooi home for the aged. so, i get to work, and its for the old folks at the same time! was really grateful for it. tat i din even ask how much i'll be getting for the job.

was supposed to assist biqi and lishan, ended up, i took ah boon's paintbrush and starting painting too. hahaha.

even thou i'm now aching all over, my arms and legs feel like they r breaking.... i'm stil happy. oh ya, we're going back there 2moro. and i hope the sun can be more gentle 2moro.

thanks dw for mentioning my name to lishan, and thanks lishan for taking me up for the job.

Last day in SAF

2010-07-08T13:21:00.000+08:00

yesterday was my last day in MDC. many colleagues came to me with a shocked face, asking, "today ur last day ah?? y u din say??!" i only replied tat i'm low profile. keke. nah, i dun like teary goodbyes. i like to leave quietly. and i dun think its really goodbye, coz i put everyone in my heart. and my phone is on 24/7. nope, its not goodbye.

woooohooooo.... so exciting. a new phase in life!!! i can't wait! 2010 is really a year of changes for me. and i kinda like it (^_^)

**********************************************

a fucking huge cockroach fell on me the day before.

i practically pasted my whole body onto the back of sammy. usually i'd scream and run when i see a roach. tis time, i stood frozen there. i need 惊风散. i went home and scrubbed myself clean.

i think sammy needs 惊风散 too. i screamed rite into his ear.

i feel so liberated!

2010-05-24T09:59:00.002+08:00

decision made. i'm gonna tender resignation letter for the first time in my life. i din know tat my decision could have such a huge impact on my emotions. i literally felt a rock lifted off me.

i was even thinking, tis few years, could it have been my work weighing down on me tat i've became darker in mind, and less happier in person. watever it is, i really feel so much happier now. even thou i have yet to tender, but the thot itself is enough to make me smile to myself so frequently tat my colleagues even commented on y i looked so happy now.

damn, i should have done tis earlier. but i'm glad its happening. woooohooo... so exciting. my first resignation. hahaha...

Sawatdee Ka!!!

2010-05-21T10:10:00.002+08:00

Sawatdee Ka, kun sabaidee mai ka?

sabaidee ka, khorb kun.

kekeke. had my first Thai lesson last nite! its so fun! a lil stress thou, coz i cant seem to get the tone rite. but... its so funny, i speak ok when i practice by myself, but once the teacher asks me to speak in Thai, i forget everything. hahaha... and i sound like a spastic stuttering idiot.

the teacher also shared some little facts and interesting stuff about thai, which made the class very interesting. i was kinda surprised when she announced the class is over. hahaha, i forgot the time. can't wait for next week!

and i cant wait to have my first thai conversation with chompoo and kun toa!

chan cheu fibi, yin dee tii dai roo jak. kun cheu a-rai?

kao jai mai?

hahaha. oh boy, i din know speaking in another language is so fun!!

i want to break free!!!

2010-05-13T13:42:00.002+08:00

suddenly tis song just flashed by my mind. kekeke.

maybe i really wanna break free. from my shackles in life. i wanna take a real break. away from work, away from probs, away from life.

i tot i would be peaceful when i start to clear my probs slowly 1 by 1. but as i clear 1, another pops up somewhere else... haiz.

the gals say, enjoy while it lasts, dun be afraid of lonliness. dun make hasty decisions again, tis time, open eyes big big and choose.

so... let the party begin!!! hahahaaha... celyn!!! faster come back from ur china trip! we've got missions to accomplish! heh. i'm not gonna waste any more of my youth! guys out there, beware! hahaha...

2010-05-03T11:26:00.002+08:00

how more unlucky am i gonna get? just how much more!?! just give it to me once and for all!!!

someone crashed into the car i'm driving while on the way to work. enough said. nice. just nice.

now feeling a bit queasy... chest kinda hurts and feels tight. arggghhh!!!!!!!!

i can look up and almost see Him sniggering... God, i'm not making fun of u, i kinda feel, YOU r making fun of me. if u enjoyed seeing my life in misery for the past few months, well, i sure hope u had enough fun, coz i'm about to lose it.

真的怕了...

2010-04-29T00:17:00.000+08:00

wat have i done to my life??!!!

2010-04-27T23:42:00.001+08:00

i've totally screwed myself.

watever decision i made, someone somewhere would tell me its wrong. i rom-ed at 21, ppl say i'm crazy to give up everythin so young. i made up my mind to leave, ppl say i'm outta my mind to give up everythin at tis age. my parents bought a car tat i dun drive much, ppl say i'm stupid. i shared most household costs, ppl say i'm a stupid woman. i gave my share to build tis home, my parents said i'm foolish. i dun ask for any 家用, ppl say i'm a moron. i dun ask for anythin in return, ppl say i'm an idiot. i dun mind watever other ppl say bout me.

wat hurts me the most? dad: i dunno how i have such a kamlan daughter, how i raised her up to become so foolish, which wife would share every cost, and in the end, wanna give up everythin. at tis age, how to carry on ur life? u stupidly wasted money, time and your youth! we warned tat u wont be happy, yet u did not heed our words..

i felt like dying when they said tis. i know he dun mean it. thou hurt.. i know they really cared for me... coz after tat... they did all they could to find out details for me... and answered all my queries... i stil love u mummy, 老豆.

i really dun want anythin now. i just wanna hold my memories, and walk on. just... walk on.

girls, dun worry bout me.. i'll be fine. i might be confused now, might get a little lost. but, do allow me time to find my way. if u find me getting too wild... i'm finding back myself too. i will be back to myself soon. i promise.

i know u girls wont be reading tis... i just hope.. one day when we're all old.. and i'm the first to leave... all of u could bring tis up, reminisce and have a good laugh at all the crap i wrote. luv all.. muackz!!!

i've always thought tat...

2010-04-27T23:04:00.002+08:00

i've always tot tat... i was a good student... i flunk most of my secondary school tests.

i've always tot tat... i was matured... i kept confusing myself, taking detours in life.

i've always tot tat... i will be cherished and loved deeply... i'm left miserable and lonely.

i've always tot tat... i was a good daughter... my parents said they're terribly disappointed with my turnout.

i've always tot tat... i would give my parents good life and no worries... i'm broke, both monetary and emotionally.

i've always tot tat... i was a good wife, giving my utmost everythin... i'm accused of being immatured and heartless.

i've always tot tat... i did wat was rite to maintain a relationship... my parents said i'm stupid

2010-04-27T02:02:00.003+08:00

just came back from Batam yesterday. in tis trip, it made me do a lot of thinking...

was real fun with 4 of my bestest gal pals. i really enjoyed and treasured tis very difficult to plan trip... coz its so tough to get everyone together. was a real fruitful trip. chat a lot. talked in depth... about a lot of personal stuff. songci announced tat her wedding day is coming soon. i'm so happy for her. really glad to hear tat all my gals r living well.. and having everything good and smooth for them.

tis trip is also a wake up call for me. hearing tat all of them r moving on well.. also reminds me tat i'm wallowing at the same spot for too long. i need to buck up. i need to move on real fast. they keep reminding tat we're no longer young. i've gotta get on with my life. and get on real fast. well... i've had everything at a young age... and i've lost everythin at a fairly young age too. i dun blame anythin... at least.. i've once had it all.

i wanna enjoy life, enjoy living, enjoy time, enjoy every damn thing! i wanna experience everything! i still hope to have fun, find love, travel the world, have kids, grow old. even thou i've lost a lot of faith. kinda contradicting. i know... guess, i'm just afraid of lonliness. or.. i still hold on to watever little hope tats left.

cant afford to take things slow now. so much to do! so little time!

oh ya... i love u girls!!! a lot. thanks for everything.

2010-04-05T16:20:00.002+08:00

spent the nite at the hospital...

was feeling alrite the whole day... fetched sis-in-law from the airport in the afternoon. and even went for hair cut with cindy and dw after tat. had dinner at sushi tei.. was stil feeling alrite... went for some tea at east coast after tat... met up with big group of dw's frens... met very very cute toy poodles, vivi and coby. damn cute.

after fetching cindy to get a cab, was feeling a wee bit uncomfortable.. but stil bearable. met up with sherman for a smoke. after a while.. start to feel quite bad. was trembling and perspiring... damn nauseous. once i reached home, i start to vomit...

kept vomitting til my tears flowed uncontrollably. wanted to call cindy, but she need to wake up early for work... den remembered dw stil at amk's ktv. called him up, and he came over after his ktv and immediately drove me to the hospital.

was left on drip the whole nite.... feel so terrible and vunerable.

thank you dw. thank you for being there and taking care of me. really really very sorry to trouble u and make u rush around. really very grateful.

my old room

2010-04-01T15:52:00.002+08:00

so familiar.

yet, so unfamiliar.

waking up from my old bed... wakes up so many memories too...

feels awkward. yet... so natural.

biting into the breakfast mum prepared... sweet. yet.. bitter sweet.

2010-03-18T12:07:00.002+08:00

its dad's bday 2day!

gonna bring them out for dinner later. its been long since our family went out for a nice family dinner...

happy birthday 老豆!! many many more bdays to come. may u tio 4d/toto, tio big big ah!! and may ur crappy jokes get funnier, and ur temper get gentler. hehe.

2010-03-17T10:05:00.003+08:00

spinning

spinning

spinning

spinning

spinning

spinning around..... round and round...

my days r spinning round and round...
in the crowd.. i hear no sound
guess i'm just feeling down.

2010-03-07T13:02:00.001+08:00

so tired of everythin.

i'm losing my mind.

2010-03-01T14:30:00.002+08:00

i'm so fed up. so disillusioned.

life in singapore is really really so damn tough. its so damn difficult to find a place to stay without making u struggle and feel fucking suffocated. i hate the damn fucking policies or watever laws they enforce to buy and rent properties. its all crap!

it feels like only rich ppl r worthy to stay in singapore! hate the idea of having all ur finances frozen somewhere. damn stupid!!!! coz it'll end up killing desperate ppl... like me.

arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! i'm trapped!! i'm doomed! i'm cursed! i'm dead.

fortune-telling

2010-02-23T00:35:00.002+08:00

do u believe in it?

just went fortune-telling. it seems tat... everythin tats has happened or is gonna happen... has all been pre-determined. i just sat there with my jaws opened wide... listening to the fortune-teller rattling on...

i didnt ask much, i also din say much... occasionally giggling to my frens with me... but... i was amazed.. at how did he manage to "point, point, poke, poke" at a piece of paper, and is able to read out my life.

going to the fortune teller's is so fun.

*****************************************

its been a crazy crazy 2 weeks. really crazy. been drinking almost everyday. til i had to chant to myself' "rest, rest, rest, rest".

well... the fortune teller said i have strong kidneys. hahaha.

maybe its becoz i felt tat tis weeks had been too crazy, or i felt my life have been spinning outta control... tat i need a fortune teller.

havent been myself lately. i've lost myself. cant seem to find me back.

i love my family...

2010-02-22T23:39:00.002+08:00

love them so much. my mum, my dad, both my bros, didi and jiejie. its during tough times tat u see true love.

i've been the pessimistic one in the family. always have been. always feeling unloved. always feel tat i'm outcasted, feel tat my bros were loved more den me. but tis few years, i've begun to realize their love for me. maybe, i've finally grown up.

was having dinner with my parents few days before cny. they asked bout my situation, got a bit worked up, and the atmosphere was tense. i knew my dad was controlling real hard to hold his temper, i'm grateful. i started crying, hard. jiejie was rite in front of me, didi was playing with his toys. both were unusually quiet. suddenly, the very spoilt and very noisy jiejie became very sensible, she told didi to keep quiet, and she too kept very still.

den, while i was talking to my parents with tears dropping into my dinner, jiejie quietly slid a piece of tissue into my hand. i cried harder.

thou the situation was ugly, i'm really happy and grateful. my parents thou naggy and hot tempered, scolded me a bit, but ultimately, they gave me a lot a lot of support. they ensured tat they would always be there for me, and they would help if i were to need them. suddenly, i felt so selfish, so stupid... how could i have doubted their love for me? after the dinner... didi walked up to my dad and asked him angrily, "爷爷！你为什么骂姑姑!!! 为什么弄她哭??!! tat made me laughed, and i went to grab and kiss him. den jiejie warned my dad not to scold me anymore and dun make me cry.

my bros, 1 so far away, ensured tat he would chip in if i need it. the other bro, which i would never ever hold any hopes tat i would need his help, or tat he would show concern.. actually offered watever help and advice he had. he even asked me out to chat... which we had never done before. he even told me tat my whole family cares a lot bout me. damn damn touched ok? didi jiejie loved me so much, even they loved me so much... how can i let them down?

2010-02-10T15:05:00.002+08:00

just done with the laundry.... and i'm already exhausted... wonder how am i gonna tahan work 2moro.. especially with tat irritating idiot around.

gonna meet Qiu later for dinner. havent seen him in a long while. he's another irritating guy, but in a fun way. he's been very eager to meetup and seems to have stuff to tell me. its so typically him, always like to act secretive..kekeke... well, we'll see wat more nonsense can he come up with tis time...

2010-02-10T02:22:00.002+08:00

i'm sick. really really sick. been having fluctuating high fever since last fri. seen the doc and was given 3 days mc. diagnosed as having UTI. no wonder the fever came with no other symptoms.

now whenever i stood up, my head starts pounding like nobody's business. and the meds make me nauseous and have difficulties in breathing.

heard tat UTI could actually be very serious.. 1 fren's sis went into coma, and celyn just told me tat her fren had kidney problems after UTI. hope i wont go thru all tat.... instant death would be a better choice.

now, other den the throbbing headache tat has lasted many days, i'm having backache... due to the headache, i had to keep sitting or lying down... and walk slowly to minimize any movement to my head. i cant even stretch my back... tat explains the aches and pains.

arghhhh.... totally feel like dying... my tongue tastes like someone just rubbed raw bittergourd on it. and i've been having plain porridge for the past 2 days. yucks. went over my mum's place last sun, and they were having KFC. arghhh...

summary of the past week

2010-02-02T00:29:00.003+08:00

back to singapore 7 days ago. sian.

won $51 @ poker. shiok. lost $20 back at another game. sian.

tried baking a cake yesterday, with the texture of a "huat kuey". sian. (but taste quite good la)

first day back to work today. super duper double S.I.A.N!!! infact, so sian i'm bordering at depression.
had meeting early in the morning on the first day back. triple sian.
bo dai bo chi kena many arrows. mother of all SIANs. plus... screw ***!!!

i miss koh samui so much.
i miss walking around aimlessly.
i miss lazing on the beach.
i miss my room, B202.
i miss the nite sky.
i miss the peacefulness in the day, which turn into noisy clubbing scenes in the nite.
i miss reading by the pool.
i miss walking around carrying cameras and taking pics wherever i went.
i miss the rooftop of my apartment.
i miss the bustling pasar malam which sells my new favorite, bbq octopus.
i miss haggling prices with stall owners.
i miss the bike rides with the wind blowing in my hair.
i miss the cold air at nite.
i miss exploring the island.
i miss the wanton noodles with the super shiok chilli.
i miss the 排骨面.
i miss having supper at 3am.
i miss eating instant noodles in my too cold room.
i miss buying crazy amounts of bbq/fried food, den stuff myself crazy while watching online shows.
i miss the self-proclaimed "best bbq in samui".
i miss going around trying local food.
i miss always ordering the wrong food, end up with many main courses. tat stil tastes good.
i miss waking up and realizing i've got nothing to do. den decide to go suntan.
i miss the friendly ppl in thailand.
i miss chompoo.
i miss khun toa.
i miss sammy.
i miss dewei.
i miss junsheng. ok, maybe not junsheng, he greeted me with simi LJ when i called him. haha.
i miss pad kra pao. (tis is name of a dish, not a person)
i miss Tesco lotus.
i miss the slow walks to Tesco.
i miss learning thai language from chompoo. esp how to call ppl pig/ugly/fat. heh.
damn, i even miss the huge mozzies. miss killing them, tat is.

I Miss Koh Samui. Jing Jing. (i think it means really, or serious)

starry starry nite...

2010-01-20T23:03:00.003+08:00

tat day, sammy took me up to our apartment's rooftop. had to climb over walls and onto the tiled roof. it was... breathtaking. basically, we were lying just below the starry nite sky, there were many stars, bright and clear. beautiful. i kept thanking him for showing me such a sight. on the roof, just the 2 of us, we talked for a long while, we kept silent for a while, smoked for a while, but i never took my eyes off the sky. when was the last time u looked up, and appreciate the nite sky?

last nite, we went up again, tis time with dw. there were even more stars den the first nite. and the most unbelievable thing happened! i caught another shooting star!! how lucky??!! wat r the odds? in my lifetime, i've actually seen quite a few shooting stars already... am i really lucky? i wonder.

so, on the rooftop.. we chat, we joked, we took pics of the sky, we played around with the camera's nite functions. took many pretty pics. sometimes i wonder, which do i actually loved? the nite? or the twinkling lights in the nite?

talking bout luck... i was nearly knocked down by a motorbike the nite before. i checked both sides of the road, many times. coz the cars and bikes here r quite random at traffic rules. and bikes could zoom anywhere they liked. so after checking clear, i had just begun to step 1 foot out, and a bike appeared outta no where! he grazed my left foot and skidded, and he rammed the brakes so hard tat the screeching was quite loud. and... my screams were quite loud too, coz after tat.. many ppl were looking. the glass bottled orange juice i was holding, knocked onto my own chin when i was avoiding the rider, and also coz i got such a huge shocked tat i jumped.

wonder if i'm lucky for not dying in tis accident, or i'm lucky for not getting hurt at all. other den the little bruise.

2010-01-05T15:01:00.002+08:00

argh!!! menses during holiday! ultimate spoil mood! damn it!!! now i cant go swimming! argggghhhh!!!! was gonna go for thai massage 2day! argh, damit!

let me just go coop around, and writhe on the floor for the next 7 days. damit.

*proceeds to wriggle around the room*

2010-01-05T04:16:00.003+08:00

its been a week here in samui. beginning to settle down and get used to the life here. slowly able to order my own food and find my way around.

been thinking a lot. but comes to no conclusion. guess its coz i dun even know wat is it tat i want. maybe when i've set a goal, and begin to work towards it. den, i'll be able to decide.

maybe, a decision is just tat easy to make. maybe, the answer is already in front of me. maybe, i've been going round detours. maybe, i've been making too many wrong decisions. maybe, i should stop thinking so much and just listen to my heart. maybe... there wont even be anymore maybe-s.

i like samui. i like the beach. i like the slow lifestyle. i like sanuk. i like simple happiness.

Happy new year Singapore. Happy new year Thailand!

2010-01-01T02:50:00.003+08:00

happy new year. 2009 has come to an end.

here i am.. in Koh Samui. new year here is crazy. its like the whole island is lighting fireworks and lighting up floating lanterns. from my room, i could see a lot a lot of these lanterns floating up to the skies. damn pretty. romantic in a way. and once in a while, a beautiful firework lights up the sky.

stil cant believe, i'm here in thailand. amazing. and its just my 4th day here... stil about 20 more days to go.

the beaches here are amazing. i'm thankful for nature, i'm thankful for the chance to see the scenary, the culture, the people.

just had dinner over at sammy's restaurant. his parents r so hospitable. we had a mini reunion dinner, with his family, and friends and even the restaurant's staff. they r real fun. very very friendly. i'm thankful for these new found friends too.

i'm so looking forward to catching up with my reading... my sleep... my sketching... photo takings.. swimming... and roaming around tis island.

slowly.. i'm breathing...

2009-12-24T22:55:00.002+08:00

i'm officially outta office!! from today onwards, i'm on leave all the way till 31 jan 10!!!

if its the usual me... i would be screaming and jumping around nonstop... no need to report to work... rest all the way... going overseas.. omg... i should be very excited... well.. i just feel very calm now... not much excitement...

guess its my mum's call early tis morning... left me crying like hell... and i was at work... many colleagues were giving me wierd stares.. and sympathetic looks... also dunno y i cried so hard... its just her usual nags... maybe i really dun wish for them to worry bout me... they're already so old... i just wanna settle my own probs fast, so tat they need not worry too much... and i could take care of them... maybe bring them overseas...

i've not packed my bags... but more or less i've gotten all the necessities. hope its gonna be a fruitful and fun trip. hope i'll really find back myself there.

i feel so tired. i need a rest.

oh ya. its xmas eve. Merry Christmas. Good nite.

羅志祥 - 搞笑

2009-12-18T23:34:00.001+08:00

痛，最好的掩饰，就是，微笑。。

my newest obsession

2009-12-18T20:16:00.002+08:00

Kinder Bueno White.

well done Kinder, once again, u've outdone urself. but still, hate u. u make me fat.

2009-12-17T01:21:00.002+08:00

就这样。。不知不觉，生日就这样静静的过了。。

another year has passed. just 365 days... yet... everything is totally different.

2009-12-10T16:23:00.002+08:00

having a bad day today. seems like everyday at work, are bad days.

heard some news at work. realized tat human nature is really scary. workplace can be a battle field. 兵不厌诈. how true. i'm just really glad tat i'm about to go on my long leave. and maybe i could resign when i'm back from my trip. tis the only thing tat has kept me going... if only i could put down everythin, leave everythin, start afresh. wheres the "restart" or "re-format" button to life?

今天心情超差的，不知道为什么，人闷闷的，想放声大笑，笑不出来，想放声大哭，哭不出来。想把心中的狂风巨浪抚平下来。想放下一切，静静的往前走。没有方向，没有目的，就这样走下去。

人群中，喧哗，热闹，吵杂，心却是空虚，寂寞的。
朋友们，关心，嬉闹，爱护，心却隐隐作痛。

心好乱，好乱，有没有人能把我拉上岸，我以快淹没。

2009-12-09T20:48:00.002+08:00

have decided to make a trip to go visit sammy and also to spend my holiday there. been checking out and asking round. headache.... dunno how should i make my way there.. by train? bus? plane? or combination of all?

sammy is gonna help me get accomodation, at my budget of 12k baht. thou he kept offering tat i stay at his place for free... i dun feel good bout troubling him and also feels like i'm invading in his privacy... moreover not just for a few days. really appreciate his help and kind offers... i know he is concern of my safety and dun want to leave me alone...

for this trip... its quite heart-warming to know tat those whom i told... they all offered to go visit me when i'm there. i know tat they r just worried tat i'm alone and might be lonely... especially the girls... its expensive to go over... and i know they r tight on budget... tats y i really feel very touched. it'll also be difficult for them to take leave.

i also know tat js and dw r very worried.... coz the journey is quite long if i'm not taking plane. althou both of them r going over to visit sammy too... but, js is going too early and dw is going too late... js is asking me to go earlier with him, and dw is asking me to go later... but, my leave is only for tis period, i'm unable to go too early or too late. haiz... also cant afford to take straight flight over... its really too ex. i'll have to really plan my journey and see wat i can do bout it... dun worry.. i'll make sure i reach there safe.

tis trip, i had meant it to be a lone trip... to rest and also to think. in the end... i guess i'm gonna be visited by different ppl everyday of the month... kekeke...

no matter wat... i better start preparing for my trip. need lotsa books and food to bring over.

my yesterday..

2009-12-08T20:30:00.002+08:00

went for my morning MA at TTSH for my sinus thingy. found out tat i was allergic to.... wth... cat, dunno wat dust mites and dunno wat fungus. there was also a very slight reaction for dog. wth.... cat and dog? i love them! the most violent reaction was the dust and fungus ones.... i was itching like hell, and my arm was red and swollen...

after the tests, had to see the doc at 1050hrs. and... i waited outside her door till 1220hrs before i saw her. nearly pissed the hell outta me.

went back to work after the appointment, to finish up my work and also there was a dinner meant as appreciation to the committee for the PAFF D and D. ended up... dir was talking on and on bout work... din really enjoy the dinner.

after the dinner... rushed over to sherman's "party" at berjaya hotel in duxton. nice and quaint hotel... not really suitable for a fren's gathering thou...
felt awkward when we're there... din know most of the ppl there... awkwarrrrrrrddd... in the end..... got myself sickeningly high. was laughing and giggling nonstop... even when i was not laughing inside.

i.is.not.happy.