read my thoughts...

2009-10-28T15:09:00.002+08:00

thank you, for always washing the dishes after my meals, so i wont get wrinkly fingers

thank you, for always counting 1 to 3 before switching off the lights, to get me ready for the darkness

thank you, for allowing me space for my piglets, gougou, oscar, tshirt, so i could sleep comfortably in my preferred way

thank you, for letting me have the better and more convenient bathroom, so i could dress up comfortably

thank you, for sparing 1 room out, just to store my piglets and playthings

thank you, for all the times we spent together, be it good or bad

sorry, for being unreasonable, most of the time

sorry, for being demanding in impossible tasks

sorry, for being such a relationship perfectionist, always picking on nitty gritty stuff, causing u undue misery

sorry, for being pessimistic and negative

sorry, for constantly seeking ur attention, and insists tat its not enough

sorry, tat tis 7 years was not fully cherished and enjoyed to the fullest

sorry, for the things i've said

sorry, for the things i did not say

sorry, for everything tat i should not have said

sorry, tat our difference in thinking is causing a lot of arguements

seeing u happy is my only wish. u might not be able to comprehend now... but u would soon see my point in the near future.

if, only by going ur way, den u'd be happy, i stil would. coz, u've never given me chance for a choice, rite from the start. but... if it makes u happy... i would.

2009-10-22T22:48:00.001+08:00

rejection.. came with misery

acceptance.... brought pain

最后一次

2009-10-20T22:35:00.003+08:00

每次听，都好想哭...

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

先走了去了好远的地方
不能再陪你看日出等不到天亮
所有回忆抹去却并不容易
生死由天决定不要太伤心

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

我永远爱你。

Bucket List - updated ver 1

2009-10-18T03:07:00.000+08:00

1. sing and dance in the rain - checked

2. fulfil my promise to celyn tat we'll go on an all girls trip and party like crazy - checked (if u count batam)

3. learn how to do a real body wave. (i cant dance, damn) - stil learning, about there.

4. visit more den 12 countries - m'sia, taipei, bangkok, perth, batam, switzerland, paris, london, germany, (can i count dubai if its just transit? heh)3 more to go.

5. skinny dip

6. make a stranger smile, and remember tat i made him/her happy for tat 2 secs - checked

7. help out some old folks and orphans

8. go on a lone trip, to connect with nature physically and spiritually

9. give those around me, good memories to remember me by

10. take a photo of a nite sky full of glittering stars

11. free my thoughts

list is subjected to changes.

Happy Birthday Ah Choo!!!

2009-10-11T13:51:00.004+08:00

went ktv with the girls last nite to celebrate ah choo's(songci) bday. was a blast! laughed till we rolled around the sofas. i wonder... y is it tat the older we are, the crazier we get? was fun.. screaming, shouting, laughing, affectionately singing hokkien oldies, passionately screaming rock songs, and even jumping around on the sofa. ah choo even tried to imitate jolin tsai's dance moves!! can u believe tat? our oh-so-serious dajie lei!! hahaha.. my throat is hurting from all the screamings...

oh ya... idiotic celyn and cindy... secretly recorded me and songci singing 为你而活- 神木与瞳. but we stil noticed. ahaha.. silly girls. and they refused to delete it. damn.

we also tried playing our version of "dun forget the lyrics". someone will sing a song, halfway, we'd pause it, and shes supposed to sing the next line. category is, songs of our schooling era. very nostalgic and fun. and cindy kept saying 来唱ktv而已嘛，为什么要弄到自己酱stress??!!! hahaha... funny rite? but the singing was really quite stress... keke.

celyn loved to sing tis song... and it kinda got stuck in my head from last nite.. quite nice..

《秘密- 黎瑞恩》

好想告訴你　
這熟悉的雨季　
最適合在深夜想你
想你溫柔眼睛　
想你專注神情　
想念你甜言蜜語

好想問問你　
今天的心情　
才想起你早已遠離
卻又發現自己　
仍活在回憶裡　
以為身旁還有你

如果這一生我們愛不夠　
來生你千萬認得我
如果這一生我給得不夠　
來生給你所有的我

就把你深深藏在我心中　
一輩子再也不對別人說
說我曾經愛過你　
我曾經為你笑過哭過

就把你深深藏在我心中　
一輩子再也不對別人說
就算他日再相遇　
也笑著與你擦肩而過

2009-10-11T12:34:00.003+08:00

不说，不代表我不在乎
不哭，不代表我不难过
坚持，不代表我不痛
沉默，不是我没话说
我答应，不是我不介意
我没有闹，不是我成熟

我笑，不等于快乐

2009-10-08T21:56:00.001+08:00

after frustrating for days on wat to do with my life from now.. i've come to a conclusion.... i've really got nothing to do... hahaha...

so... i've decided.. since i've had such a "fulfilling a.k.a. meaningless" life, y not help others?

therefore, kind and helpful fibi decided to........ do voluntary work! tah dah!! *applause* *whistles* *screams*

okok... cool it, calm down. i know, i know.. unbelievable.. tat not only is fibi unbelievably cute, understanding, sweet, adorable, gorgeous... shes.. shes.. omg.. shes kind and humane? heh.

hmm.. maybe i'll even set up a committee, or organization... wat should i call it? Almighty Fibi Foundation? (AFF)

slogan : here i come to save the day!!! mighty fibi's on the way!!! ahahaha (familiar song?)

motto: Let AFF help U! we call it AFF U!

wahahaha... so narcissistic.. keke.

ok, enuf crap. anybody who has volunteer work lobangs, or wants to join me.. ring me... no, no, i wont marry u... i mean.. call me.

ppl, i'm serious bout the voluntary work thingy. i'm just a lil itsy bitsy bit crappy. tats all.. comon.. a lil joke wont kill...

2009-10-07T21:51:00.002+08:00

false alarm...

relieved.

2009-10-06T23:33:00.002+08:00

back to singapore...

suddenly.. feels lost. like.. theres nothing else to do. always wanted to go switzerland, paris and london. now tat i've done it... i dunno wat to do next...

maybe its just europe withdrawal syndrome... and i'm still at 4.30pm, london. haha.. when its now 11.30pm here. damn singapore's weather... miss london's cold cold wind...

where should i go next? wat should i do next?

2009-10-05T19:38:00.000+08:00

我回来了!!!!!!!!

Reporting live from Dijon, France!!

2009-09-26T04:38:00.002+08:00

i'm now comfortably typing on my queen size bed in Holiday Inn, Dijon. very nice hotel. finally. theres actually 2 queen size bed in tis room. beat tat. keke. shiok ah! oh ya... last nite's Novotel Hotel in Lausanne is also very good. compared to those hotels we stayed at for the past few days.. we really appreciate tis 2.

oh ya.. i'm supposed to be damn sad. my camera crashed! can u believe it?! i'm just damn damn suay lor.. 1 thing after another... fucking suay! i dunno wats wrong with my camera.. could be the extreme cold, could be tat i kept aiming it straight at the glaring sun.. could be... coz i dropped it. ok, its the last one.

how? how? how? really angry at myself... how to take pics now? luckily we brought 1 spare camera... but... i like taking my own pics.. damn. and am i gonna waste money to buy another? shit.

i was kinda discriminated 2day at Geneva, our last stop in Switzerland. tried ordering food during lunch.. i called out to the person... he ignored me... ouch. BUT! the more racist they r, the more polite i shall be!! let them know whos the one without good upbringing. so, i stood there.. continued to smile and saying hi.. finally he decide to take my order. nice. wats even better? i asked if they were serving beef, he said, no, its pork. ok, so we ordered one. it turned out to be mutton. good job.

suddenly.. i miss singapore. unbelievable? believe it. suddenly.. i appreciate 7-11. i appreciate late nite suppers. i appreciate white rice. i appreciate soups. i appreciate porridge. coz everything stated.. is really unattainable here... everywhere we go, we have to check the opening hours.

horrible horrible day...

2009-09-24T02:01:00.005+08:00

the day started out fine at 5.45am. everythin normal.. excited bout heading towards Jungfraujoch, Top of Europe.

amazing scenary at Jungfrau, even much much more beautiful den Mount Titlis, which was already breathtaking. much higher too. i didnt get AMS 2day. good. couldnt take much pics, coz most of the pics turn out all white... coz the white snow, white ice plus glaring sun... equals to blank pics. but i had lotsa fun. the scenary's memory will be enough to last me till i die.

so the tour was a 2hr train ride up the bloody high mountain. had to change to different trains. but "fwah" scenary is worth it.. worth the long ride, and the $185 swiss francs. we went around the mountain taking pics, playing with the permafrost and ice, waiting for our lunch. den the guide brought us to the ice cave. its a man-made cave with ice carvings. the whole place is made of ice. including the flooring.

we went in. nothing much to see. and the floor was quite slippery too. felt tat i'm gonna fall anytime. told the boy to be very careful.. coz he's quite clumsy sometimes, and i'm worried he might fall.

so, the cave had nothing much.. the only slightly interesting stuff, theres a hole in the wall, which labels the area, and the famous name. and the guide kept insisting tat we should take a pic there.. okayyy... there was a queue forming.. so we had to queue too. maybe due to the amount of ppl there... walking around.. ice started to melt a bit, the floor got wet. a lady fell rite beside us. i was shocked, but couldnt get in time to help her.

just when everyone settled down from the shock..... THE BOY FELL! HARD!he fell face down rite beside me!!! the floor was slippery and his shoe and legs gave way. i was about to laugh at him. i extended my arms to lift him. he lifted his face... the whole face was covered with blood! blood was gushing and flowing... I WAS FUCKING SCARED OUTTA MY LIFE!! i tot, "die, die, die.. his eye! his eye! is he gonna die?!"

when i looked closer, there was a huge deep gash above his eye. thank god he didnt hurt his eye! den, the blood... the scary scary blood. i couldnt even stand my own blood. i was fainting.. but i had to be brave, for him. i told him, everything is fine.. just got a small cut on his eyebrow.

i quickly lie him down on the floor... ice floor. ppl started passing tissue paper to me... i had to press on his wound.. blood was everywhere.. it freaked me out. his clothes and everythin.. stained with blood.. my gloves... bloodied. i was in shock. all i knew was, to comfort him, make him feel better until paramedics arrive. i just kept on repeating, u r ok, u r ok, u r ok. everything's fine. i remember.. him lying rite in front of me, i was kneeling beside him, i couldnt feel my legs anymore, i dun even know tat my jeans were all wet. i had to make sure he was warm, and tat he dun go unconscious. all the while, blood seeping thru my fingers. the cut, was really really deep. huge.

den i started crying. uncontrollably. my tears dropped freely outta my control. i held his hands tight.. i hate myself. really really hate myself. i couldnt do anything. nothin. i was hysterically looking at the entrance, for the medic. grabbing tissues. and crying. i kept thinking.. is he gonna be ok? was it my fault? y didnt i hold him? y didnt it happen to me? i'm always the one whos falling. i should be the one to fall again.

the medic finally came. he did nothing.. but stuck a piece of bandage across. went to the first aid room, he merely changed the dressing. i was fuming. den he arranged for us to get down the mountain, to a doc. guess wat.. we had to take the 2hrs train down!!! i was fucking fucking angry and helpless! i cant do anything at all!

in the train.. the sense of helplessness was over-whelming. everytime i looked at him, i just broke down and cry. and the train just continue to inch forward.. very very slowly. the slower it was, the worse i felt. it was tearing me up inside. i kept feeling, it was my fault, i caused it.

finally reached the clinic. pretty angmo lady doc. i followed the boy to the surgery table. (the clinics there kinda homely)when the doc peeled open the bandage, my knees buckled.. and i felt faint. i had to go sit down. but i knew the boy needed me... so i had to be brave.. i held onto his hand thruout.. but when i saw wat was going on... my legs turn soft. in the end, i knelt by the surgery table thruout. the whole time, i was praying and hoping like crazy.. tat he'll be alrite.

my prayers heard. he's now alrite, and i had to force him to rest.. coz hes dying to head for the casino...he now has a very very swollen black eye, and a heavily taped eyebrow... 12 stitches. fucking 12 stitches!!! i kept thinking.. if it were me, guess i wont survive tat. he's really brave. not a single drop of tears.

now, i just feel like i've emotionally been runned down by a truck. mentally and physically tired... so torn up inside. and its just the 4th day of the tour. 10 over days more to go..

some pics of the silly injured boy...

2nd nite - Switzerland (Interlaken)

2009-09-23T05:31:00.003+08:00

2nd nite in switzerland. hectic. finally reached zurich yesterday and we were immediately pulled along with the start of the tour itinerary. popped by Germany for a while, visited their famous Lake Titisee. breathtaking. had german pork knuckles and trout fish for dinner. not to our taste thou. and finally, after over 30hrs of non stop travelling... we reached our hotel in Lucerne... damn damn shagged, till i was high on adrenaline.. as usual. heh. tried the pc.. argh.. all inet services needs either a local mobile number, or they want ur money.. yucks.

so i'm really thankful tat theres free inet at tis hotel.. ermm.. wats tis hotel's name? hmm.. i only remembered last nite's hotel was Shiller, Lucerne.. lemme go check, fatigue causes memory loss u know?

just came back from the casino, very small casino.. and i can even manage to lose 20 swiss francs, in 5mins. duhz. i shall go win back my tour fees 2moro! before tat, had a very fun dinner of cheese fondue, meat fondue and chocolate fondue. y fun? coz the boss of the restaurant was way crazy! truly high on i dunno wat, he made fun of everyone and everything... made us laugh like hell. very very friendly. u'd never find tis kinda service in s'pore. really fun and memorable.

i miss s'pore food. and CHILLI!!! i need chilli!!! its so hard to find spicy food here! i'm almost dying from lack of chilli!

was hoping to find someone to chat with.. but its about dawn in s'pore now.. haiz.. i miss singlish. its quite hard tat i dunno the language here... cant express wat i want well... and i get paranoid bout wat they're talking about... hahaha..

but... switzerland is a really really beautiful place. no words to describe. nearest is beautiful. when i first arrived... it almost felt like my childhood fairytales coming alive. i've always dreamed of having a quaint lil stone cottage by a quiet stream, with soft green fields... omg.. all the houses here? IS EXACTLY LIKE TAT! totally took my breath away. let me go find a swiss bf... just for his house. heh. i dun mind its small, i dun mind its far away from civilization, i dun mind it inaccessible, or even stinking with cow dung. it'd be enough to just snuggle and enjoy the amazing views. i could live forever like tat... even if u only feed me with plain bread or potatoes everyday. i could get drunk just with the air here.

see.. the scenary here can even make ppl's thinking turn romantic. keke. the amazing mountains, lakes, huge plains... unbelievable. makes u wonder.. wats the rush in the city for? looking at graceful swans slowly gliding along... so y r we walking so fast for? oh btw, one swan kept trying to get our attention.. until i took a pic of it.. and it glided away happily... narcissistic swan.

oh talking bout mountains... went to Mount Titlis tis morn, amazing. truly amazing. quite cold.. but luckily the sun was really glaring... so managed to warm up a bit. i even got a bit AMS (Acute mountain syndrome), they said its normal for some, its the usual headache, ear pain, giddiness, breathlessness, due to the lower oxygen level at tat height. kinda worried for 2moro morning, we'll be headed to Jungfraujoch - Top of Europe, its much higher den Mount Titlis. so, its gonna be much colder, and my AMS might get worse. luckily my sudden onset of bad headache and ear pain started when we were about done with the walk. if not, i'd miss all the awesome views.

i miss prata already!!!! i want my porridge and steamboat. NOW!!!

Reporting live from Dubai!!!

2009-09-21T10:44:00.002+08:00

I'm now sitting in a McDonald's at Dubai's international Airport, awaiting for my transit to Zurich in an hour. i wonder if tis gets posted. coz the connection sucks like hell... i nearly puked blood on my keyboard.

but! but! but! i noticed 1 thing! Dubai is full of hunks!!! *drooling* even the air stewards on my plane just now were drool-worthy!! oh my... i'm so gonna stick to Emirates from now on! heh.

was looking out the window of my plane.. trying to catch a last glimpse of s'pore.. beautiful... whole of s'pore bathed in a soft orange glow, glittering in the nite..

thruout the flight.. i kept looking out the window... amazing amazing nite sky. tot i would only see darkness. to my surprise... a sky full of glittering stars! wats most amazing?! i even witnessed a shooting star! wat r the odds??!! fibi is a lucky girl. fibi made a wish too. hope it comes true. the starry sky mesmerized me.. stucked my forehead and nose to the greasy window... well.. the scenary sure is worth a few pimples.

just when i tot s'pore's nite scenary was amazing. the plane started inching towards Dubai... tats when i went... "fwah!" a huge land mass... glittering in the nite.. it looked like god just draped xmas lightings over tis country. oh my gawd. B.E.A.U.tiful!!! wanted to take pics... but my lousy camera showed "under-exposed"... =_=

i'll try to update here whenever i get i-net services. to capture all my feelings at the first moment possible. i'm so excited. flying off to Zurich in about an hour. Switzerland! here i come!!! oh... goodbye hunks...

Europe!!! here i come!!!

2009-09-20T00:22:00.003+08:00

just done with my packing. my luggage is damn damn heavy.. and i'm not even there yet! hope i dun exceed the weight limit! i can imagine the weight when i'm coming back. heh. thou most of the heavy stuff r from my mum, to pass to my bro.. duhz... hope tat i can lighten the load after meeting him.

excited! Europe!!! see u 2moro!!! woohoo!!!!

hope i dun get sudden cravings for frog porridge, 麻辣火锅, prata, chicken rice, tom yum soup.. etc etc... when i'm there. if not, i'll just salivate and cry.

damn excited and looking forward to switzerland, its rite at the top of my "must-vist" places. but really hate the long flight... i'm so scared of take offs and touch downs... bad experience once, nearly freaked out the passenger sitting beside me.. kekeke.. coz i was screaming and crying.. tat my ears r hurting so bad... wonder wat happened tat time... shudders.. hope it never ever happens again *cross fingers*

oooh... i'm gonna go count down... by 2moro, same time... i'll be boarding the plane.

hmm... wonder if i'll get internet access when i'm there... will upload pics... if i'm not too lazy. heh.

Au Voir Singapore! Bonjour paris! hehehe... muackz all! i'll be back soon! dun miss me too much! keke.

Congrats!!!

2009-09-16T14:30:00.002+08:00

omg! omg! omg!!! sandra has just given birth to a baby girl yesterday!!! i'm so happy and excited for her!!! baby is so anxious to see the world tat she came out a month early.. kekeke... i'm sure she'd be as cute as her mum. will try to post her pic here when she sends it to me...

sad tat i cant visit her immediately... coz shes so far away... maybe i'll go over when she holds the 1st month party. hope both of them recover fast, coz she said the baby is a lil premature and is still needing supplement oxygen.

and another new life begins....

2009-09-15T02:27:00.002+08:00

痛.. 泪...
为什么
是因为要结束了吗
是因为感觉很真但要醒了吗
是因为你不想信我痛吗

我懂了。

2009-09-10T14:33:00.003+08:00

heading down to the tour agency later for their pre-tour brief, and also the final payment. excited. at the same time, apprehensive. . i wonder....

well, shall not think so much at tis moment.. switzerland! paris! london!!! here i come!!!

batam tis weekend... europe next weekend. fibi is so blessed. i'm so going to genting! when i come back from the trip. wahahaha... to win back my tour fees.

oh btw.. i'm on mc today again. heh. woke up and stil felt a lil weak... called the clinic to extend my mc. and so here i am, slacking. nice. been quite long since i last CG(chao geng)mc.. hahaha... ahem.. but i was really sick yesterday wor... so technically speaking... not really CG rite? rite la.

2009-09-09T18:33:00.002+08:00

breaking out in cold sweat.. trembling hands.. groggy, blur vision... hate taking med, always make me feel awful..

went to see a doc just now.. was feeling a lil unwell.. after seeing the doc, and taking the med.. i feel even more unwell... wth.

i better get well, coz... i'm going batam tis weekend!!! woohoo!!! celyn suggested a drink till we drop nite. well... how to reject such a great offer? heh.

itinerary:
reach batam
slack
go central
brunch
slack
massage, massage, more massage
slack
buy snacks, alcohol
slack
go back hotel
slack
drink
drink
dinner
drink
drink
slack
slack
drink
sleep
check out
back to s'pore.

note* theres no timing. coz the main objective... is to slack.

optional: poker, big 2, taboo, pictionary, snap, scrabble. hahaha...

nice? hehe

theres also a lounge at the hotel, where we can drink some more, or play pool.. and a ktv, which i'm not sure if theres any songs tat we know of. oh ya, we could swim at the nice pool too. maybe suntan a bit.. read a book, have a drink.

2009-09-07T00:04:00.002+08:00

house cleaned.

clothes washed.

europe tour is on again.

fibi is happy.

ouch! my back... ouch... my arms...

2009-09-03T11:19:00.003+08:00

just got to know the latest news.. the tour is off. the agency couldnt get enough ppl for tis tour to set off.

maybe i'm not destined to go europe. maybe its all pre-determined. maybe its a sign. well... everything happens for a reason isnt it? maybe its all for the better...

the only 2 good things? save money, save annual leave.

**********************************************

another latest news.... after much agony, pain, anger, sadness, tears.. M and E r getting a divorce. its sad... but it might be for the better.. for both M and E. they r now in misery.. maybe tis would free both of them.. M is in misery. E is in misery. both r hurting. in the end, the kids r the one who suffers. just becoz of 1 piece of paper, 2 signatures, 1 wrong move... 4 person is in pain.

2 of them... plus 2 kids.. equals... 1 sad story...

i pray *may everyone i know be happier as each minute past by, be it walking alone or with companions* for u, u, u... and of coz u! each u represents each and everyone of my dear dear frens and family. pls pls be happy, coz its the only thing tat can make me happy now.

**********************************************

can the day get anymore worse???!!! so depressing!!!

2009-09-03T09:37:00.002+08:00

gasp!!! i put on a pair of pants tis morning.. the last time i wore it was about 2 weeks back.. and... it suddenly feels tight! wth... come to think of it.. all my clothes suddenly feels smaller! arghhhh!!

i need to stop all the late nite suppers. i need to stop my.... sobz.. kinder bueno binge-ing.. and... and... and.. my daily dose of hot fudge sundae... arghhh!!! !!! NOOOooooo!!!!!

had the urge to get another sundae last nite... and i managed to curb it. good girl. but tats becoz i had 2 bars of kinder bueno, a plate of noodles, roti john and carrot cake. damn.

maybe i should just stop answering calls from js, albert, sammy, dewei, sherman... who thinks tat 2am is dinnertime. dang. but.. but.. but... sammy has left... soon, albert is leaving... wahhhhh.. sob.. y is everyone leaving s'pore?? maybe i should too...

is getting fat worth those nonstop laughters till i cramp? hell ya! someone pls invent low-fat beer.

was at tekong last nite. feels so different from when i first went there 2 years back. very fun.. and very proud of our ppl, great job. i started in mdc with a tekong show.. i always felt.. it should end with a tekong show too. last nite was.... bitter sweet.

after tekong.. went to albert's "farewell party"... which is just a poker cum russell peters session. again.. laughed till i was in stitches. now i know where js got all his nonsense but funny as hell antics... he simply enjoy torturing me by making me laugh till i cant breath. but once i step outta tat chalet... my laughters seemed to have stayed in tat chalet.. and didnt follow me back...

well.. at least, i just realized tat chris is quite funny too.. and, hes gonna "ORD NEXT MONTH". tats wat they kept repeating very loudly thruout the way when we were walking in tekong.. they r so cruel to the recruits. haha.. i like... keke.

like i said.. bitter sweet nite... truly bitter sweet... just the way i like it...

2009-09-01T23:15:00.002+08:00

i always say it so readily. the words come so easily.

i always say... i love my mum, my dad, my family a lot.

but, am i walking my talk? i dun think so. i know jiejie and didi has been asking to see me everyday. but did i visit? no. my dad has been cooking more food on sats, coz he tot i'd appear. did i? no. my mum has been calling to ask how have i been... wat did i say? i said i've been busy.

i'm so fucking selfish. wallowing in my own misery. forgetting my own promise tat i'm gonna love them more.

but.. i really really love them with all my heart. i just dun wish to put on a mask in front of them. i want them to see the real and always-so-crazy-cheerful daughter. i wanna laugh with them. i wanna joke. i wanna tease them with hokkien profanities. and i know they'd snigger and giggle. they'd scold me, say i'm vulgar... and den.. laugh and say something even more vulgar.

i know i'm unable to do tat now. so, i'd rather not visit, let them think i'm busy... and not worry.

i often fear... how would i react if they left me. simply with tat tot, i could cry for hours. sometimes i even imagine very dark tots(i dun wanna type tat), and i would be so scared. i'm really really afraid tat they'd leave me. sometimes when i see old ppl working.. i'd think of my parents.. and i'd get teary. coz i cant bring myself to think of them slogging their life at tis age.

jiejie and didi... i love them so much, tat i dun mind having them as my own kids. everyday, tots of them never fail to pop into my mind. be it crying or laughing... simply so cute..

my 2 bros... i often think of those times when we were young. thou often i'm left bruised and run crying to mummy.. its still so fun. now, i worry so much for both of u. often wonder wat ur doing... where would u be... memories... i'm happy with the memories.

i'm a bad daughter. bad aunt. bad sister. but i still love all of u. so much.

2009-08-31T06:27:00.002+08:00

tired.. physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

feel like i'm gonna crash anytime soon.

if only i could click a button, to refresh everything. backspace to happier times, forward those sad moments, and delete bad memories.

if only i could be like normal ppl, who dun think too deep into many many stuff. who r happy just going thru day after day. who dun have dark tots like me.

if only i could leave everything behind and go see the world.

if only i could complete my bucket list.

if only.

helplessness...

2009-08-23T10:37:00.003+08:00

ever seen a bird flying in a room?

ever seen a fish flopping on the ground?

ever seen a kite when theres no wind?

ever seen a wild animal going hysterical, only to get silenced by tranquilizer?

ever seen the look on a beached whale?

ever seen their tears? ever felt their emotions?

yup.