its been a roller coaster week. good.. and bad.

august's been a mad rush month. just came back from samui with the girls, and not more den 2 weeks, off i went to bangkok. mad rush again there, to get all the materials i want within 4 days. but it was not meant to be. many of the stuff i wanted, they didnt have it. i the end, i stayed there for nearly a week. coz there r just so many places to go! and plus the midnite market tat only opens at 3am, exhausted me. and how can i not meet up with pasu and nan?! they brought me to a lot of great shopping places, and also great food. where would i be without them... lost in thailand...

once i came back to singapore, it was busy unpacking 2 huge luggage. packing all my stuff to get ready for categorizing. and before i knew it, pasu and nan(and jaggi and amie!) r here in s'pore for the travel fair. and there goes my time, helping out at the fair and bringing them for big meals. was supposed to be a fun filled and busy weekend. until i got the dreaded call.

joanna called to say mr ong had passed away. i was so shocked. those drama were not exaggerating, i really stood there stunned and everything went silent. after hanging up the phone, i still stood there, continue to pass out brochures. den suddenly i couldnt take it anymore. i went to the toilet to cry. and the rest of the day was a daze.

i couldnt accept his death. he was like another father to me. he would nag at me, show concern to me, buy me food, laugh at my jokes, make me angry, and den we laugh over it at lunch. how could i accept tat he is gone??? at his wake, i couldnt stop crying, i keep having flashbacks. and when i saw his body in the coffin, i really couldnt take it. i keep teeling myself, tat doesnt look like him! its a mistake! tat must be someone else! i keep waiting for someone to say they made a mistake. but it didnt happen...

i went home and stil kept crying... i was so sad. i couldnt sleep for tat 2 days. i just kept apologizing and feeling sorry. coz i really really really had meant to call him. i heard he was sick, and i really wanted to ask how was he. i really wanted to show him my concern, just like he did whenever i got sick at work. but i didnt. just becoz i fucking forgot. i'm a fucking idiot. plain idiot. now wat? i'm never gonna get a 2nd chance ever again. just great. fuck me.

and so all these tots keep rounding my mind. and i just kept crying. i din even know i fell asleep. and i dreamt. i had the most funniest dream i ever had. and all my gal pals were in my dream. all of them took turn to do something really bimbotic, and i laughed so much in my dream tat i was lying on the ground struggling. and den i woke up, stil laughing.

i woke up, puzzled. before i fell asleep, i was crying, and i was filled with miserable tots, y would i have a funny dream??? the first tot tat came to me was... thanks mr ong, i know u r comforting me and wanted me to feel better. thanks, i really felt much better. just like u always tried to cheer me up when u see me feeling blue. i really felt my tots suddenly cleared up. its like the dream was symbolic. and i suddenly could accept ur departure. u were telling me, u r much happier now. thank u so much. and i'm stil sorry.

another tot came to me. my 4 girls, they also cared for me a lot. to laugh with them in tat dream, gave a really really warm comfort to me. in the dream itself, thou laughing hysterically at all the stupidity, i could feel happiness. i was truly laughing. i'm happy. to have them. i'm thankful to them for cheering me up. even if its just a dream. they helped me go thru tis difficult week.

i also found out, when feeling down, cooking and doing housework is seriously therapeutic. while cooking and working, i was almost in a trance. and after sweating it out, i felt so much better. which is y, i am thankful to my house too. thankful tat it housed me for tis few years. i just did a very deep cleaning to the house, i can feel it gleaming proudly now. ^_^ i'm happy too. i feel tat working is so much easier den doing housework!!! compared to all the chores, i think office work is freaking relaxing!!!! i really have to respect those housewives! keeping a house is not easy. its not just about paying the money and taking the keys. how u take care of the house, and the house would repay u with comfort.

i did not ensure u were taken care properly, u r now starting to break down here and there. i feel really bad, but i'm helpless too. if i had the money, i would ensure everything is as good as new. but now, even getting a new mop needs consideration.

tis place had the best location and best accomodation i could ask for, really loved tis house. and i'm thankful. had he not insisted to keep u, i would think tat another owner would treat u much better. if i cant take care of u, i wouldnt ask to keep u. which explains y i'm always so emotional when i do housework. when its time to let u go, i'll be sad. but i'll also be damn glad for tis house, coz finally someone will treasure u and treat u as a home.